IF you pay for a meal, it’s basic etiquette that your date is sexually indebted to you. Here man Martin Bishop explains what sexual favours are owed for various food choices.
Just a drink – kissing
If your date finds your opinions on vaccination, 9/11, or global warming too fearless and truthful and decides to leave after one drink, that’s their prerogative. However, given that you’ve footed the bill for a mojito in Wetherspoons, it’s only right that they provide you with some moderate to heavy kissing.
French onion soup – French kissing
You’ve taken them to the finest local bistro in Dagenham that has an early bird menu. You’ve just settled the bill with your waiter who you insisted on calling ‘garçon’ throughout the evening. Now it’s time to reap your reward as your date, their lips still erotically damp with onion broth, gives you a good snog with tongues.
Lasagne – hand stuff
After having paid for obviously microwaved lasagne from the poorly-rated gastropub you visited, the least you should expect is some light petting. A mutually convenient location should be agreed. For instance, if they’re in a rush to get home for work the next day, a handjob behind a bus shelter will, at a push, suffice.
A curry – 69ing
You both enjoyed that delicious Indian meal, apart from paying for it, so now it’s time for dessert – his and hers blowjobs. Your date will be feeling sexual adventurous if you ordered an extra naan. Just ensure they’ve brushed their teeth if they’ve consumed a vindaloo, or any of the spicier curries. If not, prepare to suddenly feel as if the US Air Force has napalmed your jaffas.
A three-course meal – Full-blown intercourse
Assuming feminism hasn’t managed to finally kill off basic chivalry, it’s common courtesy for your date to shag you if you’ve paid for their entire meal. Despite feeling ill after consuming so many low-quality pub meats, you can both manage a mutually underwhelming sexual experience. At least you’re getting some return on those unnecessary onion rings.