ENERGY rationing could lead to blackouts this winter. Here are the awful positive spins the papers will inevitably try to put on them.
The Financial Times – You’ll save money
Everyone’s going to be feeling the pinch this winter due the cost-of-living crisis, meaning you should welcome the power going off. Sitting in the dark for hours on end like a medieval peasant will bring your energy bill down to a nearly-affordable level, so stop being so negative about it.
Daily Mail Femail – It’ll be romantic
Forget about merely turning down the lights. Having them completely off due to a lack of energy reserves and lighting a few candles will really set the romantic mood. Then all you need to do is find someone who’s attracted to you, which will be impossible because you won’t be able to charge your phone and fire up Tinder. And you read the Daily Mail.
The Daily Express – It’ll be just like the ‘70s
The 70s were the best decade ever, apart from all the paedos on TV. You remember the grinding poverty of the Three-Day Week and you turned out fine – no thanks to Labour, who you always blame even if they weren’t the government. As an Express reader you’ll satisfyingly rant about all this in an unrelated local Facebook group discussing the Christmas charity Santa. In all-caps.
The i – Blackouts will give you perspective
Remember how the lockdowns gave everyone a fresh appreciation for the smaller things in life? The blackouts will be the same, the stupidly named i will point out for a different angle. People will rally round and support their neighbours, before getting carried away and ruining it like the ‘clap for carers’ bollocks. Let’s just hope there’s no sea shanties this time.
The Guardian – Think about your carbon footprint
Popping out of a room for five seconds and leaving the big light on is single-handedly melting the ice caps and ripping a massive hole in the ozone layer. That’s a scientific fact. Now your lights will be firmly off, which will balance out the international flights you took this summer. Definitely feel green and smug, even if you have no choice in the matter.
The Sunday Sport – What could be sexier?
The power going out will be raunchier than women in wet T-shirts mud wrestling. Get ready for non-stop bonking with the missus – and probably some WAGs, MILFs, the barmaid at your local and your stepsister. Don’t forget to take pictures and send them in, although all of this is just a sad wank fantasy and they’ll just use a picture of a glamour model suggestively holding a candle.