Bullshit ways the press will try to romanticise blackouts

ENERGY rationing could lead to blackouts this winter. Here are the awful positive spins the papers will inevitably try to put on them.

The Financial Times – You’ll save money

Everyone’s going to be feeling the pinch this winter due the cost-of-living crisis, meaning you should welcome the power going off. Sitting in the dark for hours on end like a medieval peasant will bring your energy bill down to a nearly-affordable level, so stop being so negative about it.

Daily Mail Femail – It’ll be romantic

Forget about merely turning down the lights. Having them completely off due to a lack of energy reserves and lighting a few candles will really set the romantic mood. Then all you need to do is find someone who’s attracted to you, which will be impossible because you won’t be able to charge your phone and fire up Tinder. And you read the Daily Mail.

The Daily Express – It’ll be just like the ‘70s

The 70s were the best decade ever, apart from all the paedos on TV. You remember the grinding poverty of the Three-Day Week and you turned out fine – no thanks to Labour, who you always blame even if they weren’t the government. As an Express reader you’ll satisfyingly rant about all this in an unrelated local Facebook group discussing the Christmas charity Santa. In all-caps.

The i – Blackouts will give you perspective

Remember how the lockdowns gave everyone a fresh appreciation for the smaller things in life? The blackouts will be the same, the stupidly named i will point out for a different angle. People will rally round and support their neighbours, before getting carried away and ruining it like the ‘clap for carers’ bollocks. Let’s just hope there’s no sea shanties this time.

The Guardian – Think about your carbon footprint

Popping out of a room for five seconds and leaving the big light on is single-handedly melting the ice caps and ripping a massive hole in the ozone layer. That’s a scientific fact. Now your lights will be firmly off, which will balance out the international flights you took this summer. Definitely feel green and smug, even if you have no choice in the matter.

The Sunday Sport – What could be sexier?

The power going out will be raunchier than women in wet T-shirts mud wrestling. Get ready for non-stop bonking with the missus – and probably some WAGs, MILFs, the barmaid at your local and your stepsister. Don’t forget to take pictures and send them in, although all of this is just a sad wank fantasy and they’ll just use a picture of a glamour model suggestively holding a candle. 

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Your stubbed toe: Was it the fault of the anti-growth coalition?

THE anti-growth coalition, made up of anyone who disagrees with Liz Truss, is the source of every wrong in this country. So is it behind these misfortunes?

Your stubbed toe

Last night, coming to bed late and drunk, you stubbed your toe. But are you to blame? No. You finished the Wolf Blass in despair because the coalition won’t get behind Brexit and your husband had turned the light out – because why stay awake when entrepreneurs are punished by regulation?

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition did it.

Scraping the car

While mounting the kerb to get past a parked lorry, you scraped the car door on an unseen rock. But why was that lorry parked? Because there’s no point going anywhere in Britain’s unproductive go-slow working culture? And was the rock there because Extinction Rebellion glued themselves to it?

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition scraped your car.

The bullshit plot of BBC1’s Inside Man

One mishap with a USB leads to a vicar and his wife locking a woman in their cellar and considering murder? You wasted a whole evening on this implausible bollocks because the producers got a taxi from North London to the BBC to smear the clergy, insinuate anyone with a big house is evil and confuse you into voting Labour.

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition deliberately made Inside Man shit to hurt you.

Impotence and/or premature ejaculation

You can’t raise it and when you do you’re finished quicker than a Countdown conundrum. Why? Because of the unions, the Brexit deniers, the SNP and the ‘wokerati’. How can you be expected to remain focused on growth, stability and not shooting your bolt early with those bastards running around?

Verdict: The anti-growth coalition are responsible for your poor sexual performance.

Mortgage going up by £300 a month

This, along with inflation at ten per cent and unaffordable energy bills, is simply a storm the country is going through and must brave without complaint. It could not possibly be considered anyone’s fault. Some ills cannot be blamed on anyone and we should stop looking for culprits.

Verdict: Nobody’s fault. Stop asking.