Teenage girl who wants to wear trainers to school trying to draw comparisons with Iran

A TEENAGER who wants to wear non-uniform shoes to school is valiantly attempting to make an argument based on girls in Iran refusing to wear headscarves.

Lucy Phipps thinks black Clarks lace-ups are ‘basic’ and claims attempts to make her wear them instead of her Nike Air Max are an assault on her freedom.

Phipps said: “Like those brave girls in Iran, I am protesting to be able to live my life however I choose. Is that what they’re doing? Something like that, anyway.

“The shoes you are forcing me to wear are symbols of uniformity and authoritarianism, and also Jack Browne from 9E told me he’d never snog a girl wearing them.

“So I have removed them and thrown them in the canal in protest. I tried to burn them but it turns out vulcanised rubber isn’t very flammable.”

Mum Joanna Phipps said: “We try to listen and accommodate Lucy’s feelings but when we heard she’d run through the school shouting ‘Death to the dictator!’ about her head of year, we thought she’d gone a bit far.”

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Man who's spent 12 years f**king things up copying Tories by pretending it wasn't him

A MAN who has acted like a total prick for 12 years is taking a leaf out of the Tories’ book and pretending it was someone else’s fault.

Julian Cook has lied, cheated, gaslit, offended and generally upset everyone he has met over the last decade but is now acting like it was nothing to do with him.

Cook said: “My life is a horrible mess littered with ruined relationships and shattered dreams, but it turns out none of that is my fault. Even though I was the one who did it.

“Like the Conservative party, I’m disowning everything I did and announcing that I want to move on. Tough shit if I’ve f**ked you over. Let it go.

“The sleazy skirt-chasing, the drunken unreliability, the obnoxious personality, the borrowed money, the sexual harassment – yep, I’m ignoring that like Truss ignores twats like George Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith.

“I’m a new man, and absolutely not the same old useless twat who’s had a hair cut and changed his shirt. So just be nice to me now, okay?”

Cook’s ex-partner Nikki Hollis said: “He’s right that he’s like the Tories. Once a f**king bastard, always a f**king bastard.”