Public demands shops begin Christmas

CONSUMERS have demanded that shops immediately start selling Christmas stuff.

Supermarkets, department stores and the remaining branches of HMV faced angry protests at the weekend from shoppers frustrated at their inability to buy goods featuring pictures of snowmen.

Hotel worker Emma Bradford said: “Look at the calendar, Tesco. Count the days, Debenhams. It’s September the fucking 16th.

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s Christmas.

“You can chuck all the barbecue and back to school shit in a skip for all I care, but I want to see those seasonal aisles fully tinselled by the end of the day or I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

Tom Logan of Northampton agreed: “I was shopping for jeans the other day and I had this empty, desolate feeling, like a shrieking void in my very soul.

“Then I realised it was because I hadn’t heard Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You for more than eight months.”

A spokesman for the National Retail Federation admitted that its members had failed a mince pie-deprived nation: “We have staff working overnight painting snow on top of lettering on biscuit tins to meet consumer demand.

“The British public will be provided with all the festive excuses for grotesque overconsumption that it so desperately needs.”

However electrician Joseph Turner said: “Fuck Christmas. What I want to know is why aren’t there any bloody Creme Eggs in the shops when I want one?”

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Rowling's new Harry Potter film about wizard who invented money

JK Rowling is to write the screenplay a for a new Harry Potter-style adventure about Grynt Cashfarm, the wizard who created money.

Set 70 years before the Harry Potter stories, Fantastic Piles of Money and Where to Find Them, will be a dazzling, CGI-laden spectacular about one wizard’s limitless appetite for wealth.

A spokesman said: “Grynt Cashfarm is just an everyday wizard who spells keep getting rejected.

“But one day he takes some good bits from lots of old spells and combines them into a new spell which generates a limitless supply of gold coins.

“In the second, third and fourth movies we’ll discover how Cashfarm learns to continually adapt his original spell until it is the only spell that anyone has ever heard of.”