Dogs win Worst Pet for 14th year in row

THE Bad Pet Awards have once again named dogs as the single worst thing anyone could possibly have.

Hailed as ‘head and shoulders’ above the rest for their demanding care schedule, uniquely pungent faeces, never-ending demands for attention and longevity, dogs once again beat cats into a distant second place.

Bad Pet Monthly editor Denys Finch-Hatton said: “From the first walk at 6.30am, picking up their warm turds with your own human hands, to the last, dung-filled yomp at 11.30pm, owning a dog is the most unrewarding experience anyone can have.

“You’ve got all the responsibility of a child without even the distant hope that they’ll leave home. And best of all they’re proven killers.

“Sure, snakes can be dangerous but they sleep most of the time. If you want to shout ‘it means you’re part of his pack’, while a red-eyed beast strips the flesh from a stranger’s ankle, then you need a dog.”

Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “It’s the way my border terrier barks wildly at every passing car, keeping up a barrage of yips for 12 straight hours, that makes her an absolute fucking nightmare for me and everyone else on the street.”

Nathan Muir, from Bristol, said: “Cats are still passive-aggressive dicks, but not only did my Welsh collie eat my limited edition Nike Air Max, but it cost me £1,200 in vet bills to have the remains removed from his stomach. I’d like to see a cat beat that.”

The award was accepted by Ludo, a six-year-old springer spaniel who ran on stage, jumped up at the judges and urinated on the podium before running into the road and causing an eight car pile-up.

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Britain still gripped by every twist and turn of Syria story

BRITAIN cannot hear enough about the Syrian conflict and has urged the media to report it in greater detail.

A survey, commissioned by newspapers concerned that people were getting bored with the last month’s blanket coverage, has found that the exact opposite is true and everyone’s hungry for more.

Wayne Hayes, form Stevenage, said: “When Britain ruled itself out of military involvement, I was up all night worrying that the media might think ‘Well, it’s none of our business now,’ and cut reporting  on Syria.

“Thank God they didn’t, and in fact used it as an opportunity to step up the column inches and airtime given to this endlessly rewarding story.”

Though there are plenty of other countries currently massacring their own people in Africa and Asia, it’s Syria that remains Britain’s favourite 24-hour rolling news event.

Middle East expert Jane Thompson said: “The British people have always been fascinated with Syria: Syrian music in our charts, Syrian soap operas on our TVs, and what English schoolboy couldn’t give you a blow-by-blow account of the thrilling Battle of al-Mazraa?”

Joseph Turner, from Kilmarnock, said: “I am completely into Syria. I’m a bona-fide Syriahead. I can’t get enough of the complicated diplomatic negotiations between the US and Russia. Who can?

“I honestly haven’t been this much into a country’s crazy civil war since Afghanistan.

“What happened there, by the way? I kind of lost interest.”