Rabid fox gets warmer reception than migrants

A FOX with rabies has been described as ‘plucky’ after running through the Eurotunnel while the authorities were focused on migrants.

Rabid fox Tom Logan seized the opportunity to slip under the fence in Calais while officials were chasing off desperate humans.

Logan said: “I’ve always wanted to see England, and what with my ever-worsening rabies I figured now was probably the time to do it.

“I thought the humans would freak out because I am have got quite a rabid look about me, but it seems that they can only be scared of one thing at a time and now is not my time.”

Dover-based bigot Roy Hobbs said: “What a great display of animal grit and daring from that fox with rabies. He’s lucky those migrants in that camp didn’t try to eat him, that’s exactly the sort of thing they get up to.

“I tried to give him a saucer of milk but he just sort of snarled at me in a mental way.

“The poor thing must be hungry. I’m going to adopt him if I can get close enough.”

Logan said: “Got to bite everyone, got to bite everyone.

“Sorry, I have these moody rabies moments.”

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Brown explains how to win friends and influence people

FORMER prime minister Gordon Brown has explained his personal formula for making people like you and winning elections.

In a keynote speech, Brown said the next Labour leader could learn from the interpersonal skills that had made him so popular during his time in office.

Brown said: “Adopt a gloomy, bad-tempered demeanour like some Dickens character called Mr McRatchett, the penny-pinching widower.

“Everyone respects honesty, so if a voter really annoys you by asking an awkward question call them a ‘bigot’, a ‘Nazi’ or a ‘rancid , git-faced weasel’.

“Above all, don’t forget to smile, even if it comes across as a false, sickly grin like a kidnap victim being forced to ‘act normal’ with a gun in their back.”

He added: “I’m not here to criticise individual candidates, but no one’s going to vote for a superannuated Citizen Smith on a crappy little bike.”