Rabid free-marketeer subsidised by mum

AN internet user who spends most of his time praising free-market capitalism is entirely dependent on his mum.

“She does it because she wants to”

33-year-old Tom Logan argues against any form of collective provision in internet debates, despite being relying on his mum for everything including the laptop he writes on.

Office worker Logan said: “The free market is the best way to provide for people’s needs, although the housing bubble has meant my mum had to give me her life savings to buy me a nice flat.

“The private sector is also cheaper and more efficient than the public sector, apart from my terrible local bus service, so it’s lucky mum was able to ‘lend’ me the money for a car.

“The welfare state just makes people dependent on handouts. This is in no way comparable to the money my mum gives me every month when I’ve run out of cash, because that’s a loan that just happens not to have a repayment date.

“The problem these days is that people expect things to be handed to them on a plate. Excuse me, I think mum’s just arrived with a load of lasagna for the freezer.”

Jilly Logan, 60, said her son’s confused economic views began when she failed to explain that getting money from the tooth fairy was not a genuine business transaction.

She added: “It’s good he’s making friends on the internet. Maybe one of these days he can have all his little chums from the Daily Telegraph website round for tea.”

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League title to be awarded to most insane manager

THE Premier League title will be given to the team whose manager is the biggest lunatic, it has emerged.

Poised to pull out a wooden snake

Louis Van Gaal and Jose Mourinho are among the frontrunners after it was decided that demented managerial antics were more entertaining than actual football.

Bookies cited Van Gaal’s David Lynch-style haircut, coupled with the autocratic style of a banana republic dictator, as making him a strong contender in the mentally unhinged stakes.

But Jose Mourinho has been rehearsing a few borderline-arrestable tricks of his own in training, including jabbing the fourth official in the backside with a fork.

Meanwhile Arsene Wenger has brought in a slapstick expert to help him develop his ‘unzippable caterpillar anorak’ routine and Brendan Rodgers is to communicate exclusively in 90s-style corporate management-speak.

Bookmaker Stephen Malley said: “Van Gaal might think he has the edge but he’s up against some tough opponents when it comes to bizarre nonsense perpetrated by highly paid, grown men. 

“He may pull his trousers down but there are young, up and coming hungry managers who are prepared to expose and brandish their genitals on the touchline if that’s what it takes to get in the top four.”