Cocaine users don't actually like it

OVER 700,000 people in the UK take cocaine regularly, despite none of them liking it.

Researchers found that cocaine users could not think of a single good thing to say about the drug and did not enjoy any aspect of taking it.

Recreational snorter Tom Booker said: “On the downside it’s wildly overpriced, turns me into someone I hate and I’m sure I’m getting a mono-nostril.

“On the plus side, it turns my mood really dark and makes my penis shrivel. No wait, that’s not great either.”

28-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Sometimes after a gak session I lie in bed listening to my accelerated heartbeat pounding in my ears like a crazed tribal drum.

“But then I think back to the fun we had that evening, and realise it wasn’t really fun, just a bunch of people waiting for a split-second gap in the conversation so they could jump in with some information about how amazing they are.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It seems most decisions are made on the basis that you have to fill your time with something, even if you hate it.

“Anything to stop you thinking about work.”

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Scots welcome smug English twat letter

SCOTLAND has welcomed a letter urging the country to reject independence, signed by a collection of fancy English celebrities.

The letter was signed by Dame Judy Dench, Helena Bonham Carter, Simon Callow and 200 other absolutely spiffing famous people who probably have really nice old houses, covered in ivy.

Bill McKay, from Bathgate, said: “I imagine Judy, Helena and Simon all got round a big farmhouse-style kitchen table in Hampstead.

“And Judy said ‘I’ll get Tracey Emin, Melvyn Bragg and Richard Dawkins’, and Helena was like, ‘I’ll get Emma Freud, Richard Curtis and Ben Fogle’ and Simon was like ‘I’ll get Cilla Black, Ray Winstone and Gloria Hunniford – you know, for the Glaswegians’.

“And then they wrote a lovely letter about how lovely everybody is and that we must come for tea, just like that poor bloke in Howard’s End who gets killed by the bookcase.

“Fuck off.”