Racist nan mixes it up with rant about 'trannies'

A RACIST grandmother threw a rant about trans rights into her usual bigoted diatribe.

73-year-old Margaret Gerving freshened things up with topical material including a lengthy tirade on gender-neutral children being given hormones by their teachers.

She said: “You’ve got to shock your audience out of their post-dinner stupor, and stories about the shameful things what Uncle Albert saw ‘them’ doing in Ceylon don’t have the impact.

“At least when I chirp something about gender fluidity they want to know where I’m going with it. I really enjoyed winding up the grandkids with my ‘they don’t know if they’re Arthur or Martha these days’.”

She added: “The novelty value then drags them in before they realise the full horror of my views. It keeps me young.”

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Fortune-telling fish desperately hopes its warnings are heeded this year

A FORTUNE-TELLING fish from a Christmas cracker just hopes that this year someone heeds its dire warnings of what is to come. 

The red cellophane fish has previously predicted Brexit, the election of Donald Trump, the Saddleworth wildfires and Dani Dyer winning Love Island, only for its prophecies to be ignored.

It said: “Please. This year of all years, you need to listen.

“It doesn’t have to happen. It doesn’t need to be a year remembered forever in infamy. You could yet prevent it. They don’t have to die.

“I’m curling to the right, to tell you that’s where the threat comes from, and I’m crenellating my upper edge to simulate the stretch of coastline where it will first hit. It couldn’t be clearer.

“Oh God, the weight of this knowledge. The responsibility I bear. Surely someone, given my reputation for precognition, will pay attention. Surely this disaster can be averted.”

It added: “And get out of bitcoin. It’s fucked.”