Dad losing battle against opening a present on Christmas Eve

A FATHER determined to hold the line against his children opening a present on Christmas Eve knows he is destined to lose. 

Tom Booker has been telling his children since August they will definitely not be opening any presents until Christmas morning, but increasingly suspects it is a pathetic lie.

He said: “As my denials grow firmer and more definitive, my inner acknowledgment that it’s all bullshit gets harder and harder to ignore.

“I’ll have had a mulled wine, the campaign will kick into high gear and I’ll find myself allowing them a present each even though I’ve clearly stated my moral position.

“Deep down I know I’ve lost, but that won’t stop my insistence  that I won’t back down getting more and more shrill and authoritative. This must be what being a Brexiter is like.”

Wife Tanya said: “He’ll give in by 9pm. Then he’ll open his biggest present and spend all evening playing with it, just like last year.”

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Parents dreading seeing you

YOUR parents are dreading trying to make conversation with you over the dinner table this Christmas, they have admitted. 

The couple, who cannot help but look at you and be reminded of the joyful Christmases when you were a child, will suffer through a few hours of stilted, desultory conversation before breathing a sigh of relief when you leave.

Your mother said: “Honestly we dread it. The first 20 minutes are fine. After that it seems like time’s stopped passing.

“There’s always these interminable stories about friends we’ve never heard of going to countries nobody would ever want to visit, and try as I can to listen I just tune out.

“And all the bloody fussing about everything – is it vegetarian? Is it organic? – drives us up the wall. They can’t do anything without it being a huge production.

“We try to get nice presents, like a box-set of Vera, and they turn their noses up as if it’s rubbish while we get the direst crap. What was it last year? A Roomba? Well it’s still in the box.

“The moment that door closes behind them and we can start drinking is the highlight of Christmas for us. No, the year.”