Everyone has bought all the wrong things from my Amazon wish list

I SHOULD have known better than to peek, but I couldn’t help myself. And now Christmas is ruined, because everyone has bought me all the wrong things from my Amazon wish list. 

That book? Really? It’s been on there since 2016. Those headphones? Clearly superseded by the other, better headphones. That novelty Galactus bottle-opener? Just there to pad things out.

I curate a beautiful list. I arrange the items I wish to receive by priority, so nobody can be in any doubt. I send it out at the beginning of December, smiling munificently as I await my harvest.

But like a flock of panicked chickens chasing the rumour of corn I watch as you peck items from the list, ignoring the direction in which you have been steered.

I blame myself. I should never have overestimated your intelligence. My plan was not foolproof, as you fools have proved.

Next year, I’ll operate a one-in-one-out system. Each of you will get a separate, individual wishlist, each with one item on it. That way order will be preserved.

Because getting exactly what you want but paid for by someone else, is the true meaning of Christmas. And anyone who says it isn’t is lying.

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Little shit submits revised list two days before Christmas

A FIVE-year-old has announced that she no longer wants the toys that ‘Santa’ has already bought her.

With 48 hours to go, Kelly Howard has completely changed her mind about every single thing on the list she wrote to Father Christmas at the beginning of the month.

She said: “Back then I was well into Barbie dolls but now I hate them and so I really, really need some Lego, a cat and a toy kitchen.

“I also asked for a remote control car but I changed my mind about that now too because Jack from my class said they’re rubbish.

“My mum said it is too late to change my mind because Santa will have already wrapped the presents I asked for.

“So I reminded her that Santa is magic and that if he can deliver presents to every single child in the world in one night he can turn a few Barbies into Lego. That seemed to shut her up.”

Kelly’s mum, Emma Howard said: “She has got to learn that you don’t always get everything you want in life and also, is Argos open on Christmas Eve?”