Jamie Oliver’s guide to the perfect sanctimonious Christmas

Christmas is a time of year for maximum smugness. It’s all about being with the family and making them feel like shit about their choices. Here’s how to get the most amount of judgement into the shortest amount of time. Cushty.

Get vocal with vino
If someone brought wine, make sure you squint at the label like a geriatric at a smartphone before reading out the details in a patronising tone. If the vino’s your own, read the bastard out loud in your smuggest Cutter’s Choice (voice). Double whammy. Bosh.

Bring an exotic bird in
Nothing says ‘I’m better than you’ than presenting your guests with some fucked-up bird – like a grouse. If they ask for turkey, tell ‘em to take a walk.They’ll absolutely bloody love it.

Swap cracker toys… for some crackin’ tips
Toys and Christmas go together like sprouts and salami. What your guests need is some proper advice about nutrition, so stick it up their crackers with a tip in each. For extra points, personalise them.