Jamie Oliver's guide to the perfect sanctimonious Christmas

Christmas is a time of year for maximum smugness. It’s all about being with the family and making them feel like shit about their choices. Here’s how to get the most amount of judgement into the shortest amount of time. Cushty.

Get vocal with vino
If someone brought wine, make sure you squint at the label like a geriatric at a smartphone before reading out the details in a patronising tone. If the vino’s your own, read the bastard out loud in your smuggest Cutter’s Choice (voice). Double whammy. Bosh.

Bring an exotic bird in
Nothing says ‘I’m better than you’ than presenting your guests with some fucked-up bird – like a grouse. If they ask for turkey, tell ‘em to take a walk.They’ll absolutely bloody love it.

Swap cracker toys… for some crackin’ tips
Toys and Christmas go together like sprouts and salami. What your guests need is some proper advice about nutrition, so stick it up their crackers with a tip in each. For extra points, personalise them.

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Christmas songs ranked from the worst to f**king unbearable

EVERYONE has a least favourite Christmas song, from the creepiness of Roy Wood to Cliff Richard talking shit about God. But which are just the worst and which are absolutely unbearable?

Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
Ringo is often remembered as the least talented member of the Beatles, but even he had the talent not to record this twinkling dog-turd. From the Commodore 64 game synth stabs to the half-arsed lyrics, this would be a career low if not for the frog business.

Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewie
You can have a perky parpy upbeat Christmas song, or you can have a song mourning the senseless deaths of soldiers in war. To try and do both in the same three-minute song is a catastrophic error and it’s we who suffer.

Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses
There was a time in the early 80s when rap was a joke genre only suitable for shitty novelty records produced as desperate cash-ins, like indie is today. A time forgotten until this comes on.

Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
Yes it’s got David Bowie on it. Yes his bit is decent, but only as blessed relief from the endless pa-rumpa-pum-fucking-pums.

Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John & Yoko
The second Beatle in the list, proving once and for all that they were crap. And in ending war, it is crucial that your opponents also want the war to be over or war will continue on a harrowingly one-sided basis.

Do They Know it’s Christmas by Band Aid
In 1984 it was a marvellous charity event that brought the nation together, but the written-in-five-minutes quality shows. Plus surely it’s seditious nonsense to suggest Britain once spontaneously came together to help foreigners.

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