Pubs to trial professional lanes

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they are doing this Christmas.

With festive hostelries full of people buying coffee with a debit card, sections of the bar will be solely for drinkers who want to get hammered and know precisely how they would like that to happen.

Pub owner Nathan Muir said: “While I’m giving samples of our real ale to some twat who’s just going to order a half of Fosters, I could be serving some very determined piss artists.”

Would-be users of the professional lanes will be assessed on whether they order Guinness before their other drinks, can demonstrate awareness of how long others have been waiting and are able to carry three drinks without a tray.

Festive drinker Nikki Hollis said: “A big glass of white, or a G&T? Or maybe a Tom Collins? I’ve never had one of those before.

“Can you just run through the wine list for me, again?”