Pubs to trial professional lanes

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they are doing this Christmas.

With festive hostelries full of people buying coffee with a debit card, sections of the bar will be solely for drinkers who want to get hammered and know precisely how they would like that to happen.

Pub owner Nathan Muir said: “While I’m giving samples of our real ale to some twat who’s just going to order a half of Fosters, I could be serving some very determined piss artists.”

Would-be users of the professional lanes will be assessed on whether they order Guinness before their other drinks, can demonstrate awareness of how long others have been waiting and are able to carry three drinks without a tray.

Festive drinker Nikki Hollis said: “A big glass of white, or a G&T? Or maybe a Tom Collins? I’ve never had one of those before.

“Can you just run through the wine list for me, again?”

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Five great places to get a few minutes bloody peace at Christmas

ARE you tempted to cram yourself into the airing cupboard on Boxing Day for some precious ‘me time’? Here are some other excellent places to get away from bastards.

A desolate supermarket car park
For one day a year a windswept square of tarmac can become a beautiful oasis of peace and calm. Even the litter and dogshit will be more appealing than another game of Dobble.

The toilet
Give yourself an excuse to lock yourself in the toilet. Eat and drink way too much, or perhaps try licking the toilet brush to make yourself ill. Anything that allows you to sit on the bog in glorious, lonely bliss for ages.

The box that held the biggest present
Buy a relative something that requires a massive box like a fridge, then climb in until everyone has fucked off. The bonus is that you’ll look like a very generous present giver, if a bit weird.

The cupboard under the stairs
Offer to go looking for batteries or a corkscrew and bed down in a pre-arranged nest of blankets and a big bottle of gin. If nobody comes looking for you then at least you know where you stand.

Norfolk
Get in the car and drive far away from Christmas to this flat, dark and lonely place. You’ll be the opposite of Chris Rea and you won’t have written a shit song about it.