Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) This week you open a pub called The Westminster Bubble to confuse politicians trying to prove how down-to-earth they are.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Sing like nobody’s listening. If you’re struggling to imagine what that’s like, Google ‘Steve Brookstein’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) On Friday, you’re a couple of minutes into punching the waiter and calling him a cheeky twat when you realise he didn’t say I’ll get you, you’re smellier.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Today, why not try to convince your workmate that in Star Wars, Count Dooku has a puzzle-writing sister called Sue?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Disappointing news on Tuesday about Dismaland tickets when it turns out you managed to get some.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Scenes at your local pizza place on Saturday as they insist ‘a large cod & chips’ isn’t a valid extra topping.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) You’d never be seen dead using girly products like moisturiser, which is probably why you look like one of Sid James’ bollocks.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don’t own a cat and it’s a puma.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Embarrassment today when you accidentally ‘like’ a photo of your boyfriend’s brother on Facebook but you style it out by saying you just thought he’d dressed really smartly for that funeral.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Your end-of-probation review at work goes badly this week when your line manager says she’d assumed you’d left six months ago.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) On Monday you try to get out of jury duty by saying you’re a lazy, reactionary racist with a tendency to fall asleep on benches and you accidentally end up in the House of Lords.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) All of our products are vegan, except for the ones with bits of animal in them.