Rail companies unveil women-only rip-offs

RAIL companies have devised an incomprehensible new fare structure, specially for women.

The firms backed Jeremy Corbyn’s call to segregate the rail network, insisting it would empower women and keep everyone safely profitable.

A spokesman for the train operators said: “Women-only tickets will be classified as ‘safe’, ‘super-safe’, ‘budget safe’, ‘off-peak safe’ and ‘fractionally less peak safe’.

“Women will also have the chance to buy a standard ‘woman’ ticket, or a cheaper ‘plain woman’ one. It’s entirely up to them if they want to admit to being an unloved, childless frump.”

The spokesman added: “Prices will vary between £12 and £450 depending on some randomly selected criteria designed to confuse you and make you all emotional.

“We’ll also paint the carriages pink and put flowers on the tables, because you all like that sort of crap, don’t you?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) This week you open a pub called The Westminster Bubble to confuse politicians trying to prove how down-to-earth they are.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Sing like nobody’s listening. If you’re struggling to imagine what that’s like, Google ‘Steve Brookstein’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV) On Friday, you’re a couple of minutes into punching the waiter and calling him a cheeky twat when you realise he didn’t say “I’ll get you, you’re smellier”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Today, why not try to convince your workmate that in Star Wars, Count Dooku has a puzzle-writing sister called Sue?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Disappointing news on Tuesday about Dismaland tickets when it turns out you managed to get some.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Scenes at your local pizza place on Saturday as they insist ‘a large cod & chips’ isn’t a valid extra topping.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR) You’d never be seen dead using girly products like moisturiser, which is probably why you look like one of Sid James’ bollocks.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don’t own a cat and it’s a puma.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Embarrassment today when you accidentally ‘like’ a photo of your boyfriend’s brother on Facebook but you style it out by saying you just thought he’d dressed really smartly for that funeral.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN) Your end-of-probation review at work goes badly this week when your line manager says she’d assumed you’d left six months ago.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL) On Monday you try to get out of jury duty by saying you’re a lazy, reactionary racist with a tendency to fall asleep on benches and you accidentally end up in the House of Lords.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) All of our products are vegan, except for the ones with bits of animal in them.