Reciprocal gift-giving ‘a lifelong contract from which there is no escape’

THE giving and receiving of gifts between women is a contract that can never be broken no matter how much each party yearns for escape. 

Researchers have found that female acquaintances can exchange up to three gifts a year despite both parties’ resentment of and fervent desire to end it.

34-year-old Carolyn Ryan said: “It began 12 years ago, when Susie got me a lipstick for my birthday. I was initially thrilled until her birthday three months later, when I was obliged to get her a present of equal or greater value.

“That was fine, I got her a Lush set, but then she upped the ante with a Christmas present so I had to pretend hers was in the post while panic-ordering a scarf and muttering ‘Nobody told me we were doing Christmas.’

“Then six years ago she got promoted and began spending silly money. I mean, she got me a bloody spa day for my birthday and a gold-plated, inscribed friendship bracelet for Christmas.

“Am I meant to budget £500 a year for my friendship with Susie? We’re looking at no-deal-Brexit-level losses here.”

Ryan added: “I tried to engineer a falling-out, but that only ended up with her sending me apology flowers. So that’s the precedent set for next time she gets upset.”

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Crime cool again

CRIME has come back into fashion in Britain, with criminals regarded as stylish and desirable role models by young people.  

A police spokesman said: “The 13 per cent rise in crime has nothing to do with underfunding or a chronic lack of police resources. Crime is just so damn hot right now.

“From burglary to drug trafficking to simple GBH, crimes are being perpetrated by sexy, chic people with an aloof swagger and who can’t be tamed by the establishment.

“We send dumpy, cross-eyed officers into schools to tell them not to be swayed by these glamorous outlaws and that crime doesn’t pay, but it does. Of course it does.

“Nonetheless, we urge the British public to report anyone they suspect of being a dashing rogue, a mysterious femme fatale or a smouldering bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, even though they won’t.”

Tom Logan of Buxton said: “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

“Unfortunately I’m an accountant. I do tell everyone that I’m in deep with a series of frauds, but none of them believe me.”