Reformed lad thinks men should stop objectifying hotties

A MAN who has left his laddish ways behind him is teaching friends that women are more than just hot, sexy bitches. 

Former FHM High Street Honeys voter Ryan Whittaker is being progressive in a retrograde fashion and is now a socially-conscious feminist with an FHM vocabulary.

He said: “I used to think there was nothing more to women than their huge naturals. But now I realise that you can actually talk to quite a few of them, if not most.

“I’ve told my mates to look past a peachy arse, to ignore legs that go all the way up, to eschew heavy handfuls and listen to what those sweet DSLs have to say, like suffragette and solid seven Emmeline Pankhurst fought for in the 60s.”

Friend Jack Browne said: “Ryan demonstrated the male gaze for us, which is eyeing up women, repeatedly all night on Saturday. And saying ‘of course you might be bi, I won’t make heteronormative assumptions’ didn’t seem popular with the birds.

“To be fair he did spend ages talking about feminism to one girl, which was out of character, but then tried to get off with her hot mate who brushed him off, which wasn’t.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I think I preferred the old Ryan who had a Kelly Brook calendar. He was a sexist wanker, but he didn’t mansplain feminism to me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Local chippy offering Klarna

YOUR local chip shop is now offering customers the chance to pay for their fish supper in interest-free instalments, it has confirmed. 

Rampton Fish Bar has announced that it is taking payments via Klarna so regulars can spread the now-exorbitant cost of fish, chips and curry sauce across three months.

Owner Sue Traherne said: “We’ve had to raise prices. What with energy costs, the rising price of sunflower oil and Putin shutting vinegar pipelines, there was no choice.

“But we still want to be there for our regulars, so we’re offering easy credit terms. Whether you want chips, gravy, sausage, mushy peas or a buttered barm, you don’t have to pay now. And no pick-up cost as long as you spend more than £25.

“Payments taken over 90 days. Available to over-18s only. Younger customers should still bring a fistful of sweaty banknotes from their dad.”

Nathan Muir said: “The sensible thing would be to only order what I could afford, but what the f**k. I threw onion rings and a pie in there to stimulate the economy. I’m sure I’ll have enough money for the final payment at the beginning of January.”

But Wayne Hayes disagreed: “It might be interest-free, but you’re still paying full retail. I’ve taken out a subscription at Kebabylon. £18.99 a month covers me every drunken Friday.”