Seven poncey Halloween costumes for middle-class neighbourhoods

THE middle-classes are using Halloween to be creative and witty now they can’t do it with signs on Brexit marches. Hatfuls of bellends will dress kids in these: 

Zombie Sally Rooney

It’s literary criticism in costume! Implying writers are household names around your kitchen island elevates you to the top of the twat pile. Claim Poppy came up with the costume herself, when she didn’t even read the book and bought her coursework online.

The door of 10 Downing Street but it’s a revolving door

Oh ho! This one will tickle a few funny bones outside the electric gates! A topical reference that doesn’t necessarily say you didn’t vote for them so avoids awkward conversations at school drop-off. May blow smaller children into roads if it’s windy.

A damaged Aga

Open up one of the to-scale doors and look inside – it’s a uncooked homemade moussaka. Real, gritty, tragic; nothing terrifies like a broken-down Aga. It heats the kitchen! You wouldn’t understand! They’re f**king thousands to fix!


While the uncultured will squint and silently mouth ‘quiche?’ those who know, know. Everyone’s rocking elevenses. Forget ghastly American ‘brunch’ and bathe in the Barbour-clad warmth of mid-morning snobbery. Who cares if your kid wanted to be a skeleton?

Donald Trump’s tax returns

He’s not been president for two years. Nobody cares anymore. But Scott down the close can’t let it go, not after the ‘covfefe’ costume was such a hit five years ago, so he’s still chasing the satirical high through his son. Everyone will pretend to get it.

A carob bean

No chocolate please – I’m afraid the whole family, both medically and ethically, are committed arseholes.

A vampire Range Rover

On one hand a witty update of Stephen King’s Christine, on the other a vicious portrayal of the damage oil is doing to our planet. ‘Sucking it dry!’ you announce on every doorstep, while the 13-year-old you forced to wear this costume forbears to mention the Merc you drove until two years ago.

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'Lovely light mornings' thinks woman yet to comprehend cost of time's evil bargain

A WOMAN enjoying a daylight commute will only realise the true price of her devilish deal with time at around 4pm today. 

Jo Kramer of Lincoln strode into work in pleasant yellow sunshine, heedlessly yet to understand the terrible cost which awaits in the all-too-near future.

She said: “It’s been a bit gloomy opening up first thing, you know? A bit too dark for my liking. It affects my mood.

“But today it’s brighter, it’s warmer, it puts a swing into rolling up the metal shutters on the nail bar. Fills you with optimism. I can’t see there being any ruinous, crushing consequences coming down the line.

“Now I must reset the clocks before the customers arrive. Don’t want them getting confused.”

Kramer is expected to begin looking worried at 3pm, with the bleak truth dawning on her an hour later until by 5pm she is shouting ‘Take it back! Take your deal back!’ at the grim, silent darkness that envelops her.