Five health benefits of thinking about going to the gym

GOING to the gym puts a perilous strain on your heart and muscles. These are the health benefits of just thinking about exercising.

Improved mood

Imagine how good it must feel to tell someone you’ve swum 50 lengths in 30 minutes. Now imagine you can just lie about your achievement and spend your time sprawled on the sofa eating crisps instead. Not even the endorphin rush of smashing a personal best can compare to that feeling of undue pride.

Avoiding injury

Gyms are filled with machines that will f**k you up if you don’t know what you’re doing. And even if you’ve been shown how to use them by a condescending instructor they can still snap a limb if you’re too weak to use them. Which you are. Avoid injury altogether by not entering the same building as a dumbbell.

Reduced stress

Everyone’s worried about money at the minute, even without spending £25 a month on the cheapest gym membership package. Make a 100 per cent discount on this outgoing by never signing up in the first place and staying at home. The layer of blubber you’ll accumulate will also help you save on energy bills this winter.

It’s easier to carb load

Increasing the number of carbohydrates you eat can temporarily raise your metabolism and help promote weight loss. So you don’t want to be undoing all your hard work by burning them off on an elliptical. Instead, roll to the nearest Co-op, pick up a bag of custard doughnuts and stuff your face. The pounds will effortlessly drop off in no time.

You won’t feel like a prick

People who spend all their time in the gym are self-obsessed twats. You don’t want to become like these vain pricks because it will bring down your self-esteem. Sitting on your arse is much better for your self-image, although you might die from a heart attack as you bend over to reach the TV remote when you’re 50.

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The middle class guide to complaining about privileged things

ANNOYED about your pizza oven’s expired warranty or your over-budget extension? Complain about privileged things in a self-aware way with this guide.

Use disclaimers 

Phrases such as ‘I know I shouldn’t complain, but…’ and ‘I feel so lucky even to have this problem’ buy you full rights to grumble about how hard it is to iron 800-thread-count White Company bed linen. And how annoying it is to hear your lazy cleaning woman whingeing about having to do it. 

Choose your audience

If you only ever voice your grievances in front of other middle-class people who also may be having problems with their instant boiling water tap, there’s no need to hold back. Just make sure you never stray into the company of a person on the lowest tax rate or a wealthy Guardian reader who likes to show off about having a conscience.

Mention your difficult youth

You don’t have to go full-on Monty Python ‘Four Yorkshiremen’, but mentioning your difficult childhood will go some way to offsetting the privilege of your current complaint. For example, when lamenting how hard it is to broach the subject of hourly rates with your new cleaner, be sure to mention that when you were young your parents were so poor they had to clean their own house. 

Get the tone right

You can say whatever you like so long as you sound guilty while you do it. If you whisper self-consciously enough, the thing you just said doesn’t count as having been said at all – such as your comment about the noise from your kitchen extension disrupting your private home-yoga sessions. 

Talk about how hard you work

You can justify complaining about any number of irritating issues with your smart doorbell’s camera as long as you also bang on about how bollocking busy you are working to afford all these needless luxuries. Even a rant about the ripeness of Waitrose golden kiwis is fair game after a busy week.