GOING to the gym puts a perilous strain on your heart and muscles. These are the health benefits of just thinking about exercising.
Imagine how good it must feel to tell someone you’ve swum 50 lengths in 30 minutes. Now imagine you can just lie about your achievement and spend your time sprawled on the sofa eating crisps instead. Not even the endorphin rush of smashing a personal best can compare to that feeling of undue pride.
Gyms are filled with machines that will f**k you up if you don’t know what you’re doing. And even if you’ve been shown how to use them by a condescending instructor they can still snap a limb if you’re too weak to use them. Which you are. Avoid injury altogether by not entering the same building as a dumbbell.
Everyone’s worried about money at the minute, even without spending £25 a month on the cheapest gym membership package. Make a 100 per cent discount on this outgoing by never signing up in the first place and staying at home. The layer of blubber you’ll accumulate will also help you save on energy bills this winter.
It’s easier to carb load
Increasing the number of carbohydrates you eat can temporarily raise your metabolism and help promote weight loss. So you don’t want to be undoing all your hard work by burning them off on an elliptical. Instead, roll to the nearest Co-op, pick up a bag of custard doughnuts and stuff your face. The pounds will effortlessly drop off in no time.
You won’t feel like a prick
People who spend all their time in the gym are self-obsessed twats. You don’t want to become like these vain pricks because it will bring down your self-esteem. Sitting on your arse is much better for your self-image, although you might die from a heart attack as you bend over to reach the TV remote when you’re 50.