ABOUT to be swamped by freeloaders in fancy dress? Send trick-or-treaters fleeing in terror with these tips.
Wear a scary celebrity mask
Someone like Prince Andrew or Jacob Rees-Mogg should do the trick. Actually maybe not the latter, nobody deserves to be exposed to that horrifying Victorian visage without warning. The kids will delighted by the surprise, but the adults escorting them will back away in a panic because you’re clearly insane.
Tell them about dental procedures
Ghosts and zombies are spooky, but do kids knocking on your door know what’s really scary? Root canals and tooth extractions as a result of eating too many sweets. Especially seeing as NHS dentists are fully booked for the next 12 years so you’ll have to pay for private treatment. Hammer your message home by describing how nerves are ripped out in graphic detail.
Get a f**king massive dog
A classic of the shitting-kids-up oeuvre. A barking mastiff straining at its chain will keep kids well away from your front door, leaving you to enjoy a quiet night in feeling bored in peace. There’s bound to be a hard kid or two who will try their luck, so spray some shaving foam around its mouth for good measure.
Invite them in
Call the bluff of these juvenile spongers by beckoning them in with a creepy voice. Preferably with the lights off to create a suitably chilling atmosphere. Runs the risk of backfiring big time because if the lemmings do come inside you can expect a visit from the police the next morning. Maybe just lie low for the evening instead.
Share your life story
Halloween is a time of exchanging stories of blood-curdling terror, so scare the pants off trick-or-treaters by telling them about your mid-level job in PR with no career prospects. You’re single, you don’t have a pension plan, and worst of all… it could easily happen to them in a few years’ time. They won’t be frightened in the moment, but the memory of your life story will haunt them for the rest of their days.