Five ways to scare the f**k out of trick-or-treaters

ABOUT to be swamped by freeloaders in fancy dress? Send trick-or-treaters fleeing in terror with these tips.

Wear a scary celebrity mask

Someone like Prince Andrew or Jacob Rees-Mogg should do the trick. Actually maybe not the latter, nobody deserves to be exposed to that horrifying Victorian visage without warning. The kids will delighted by the surprise, but the adults escorting them will back away in a panic because you’re clearly insane.

Tell them about dental procedures

Ghosts and zombies are spooky, but do kids knocking on your door know what’s really scary? Root canals and tooth extractions as a result of eating too many sweets. Especially seeing as NHS dentists are fully booked for the next 12 years so you’ll have to pay for private treatment. Hammer your message home by describing how nerves are ripped out in graphic detail.

Get a f**king massive dog

A classic of the shitting-kids-up oeuvre. A barking mastiff straining at its chain will keep kids well away from your front door, leaving you to enjoy a quiet night in feeling bored in peace. There’s bound to be a hard kid or two who will try their luck, so spray some shaving foam around its mouth for good measure.

Invite them in

Call the bluff of these juvenile spongers by beckoning them in with a creepy voice. Preferably with the lights off to create a suitably chilling atmosphere. Runs the risk of backfiring big time because if the lemmings do come inside you can expect a visit from the police the next morning. Maybe just lie low for the evening instead.

Share your life story

Halloween is a time of exchanging stories of blood-curdling terror, so scare the pants off trick-or-treaters by telling them about your mid-level job in PR with no career prospects. You’re single, you don’t have a pension plan, and worst of all… it could easily happen to them in a few years’ time. They won’t be frightened in the moment, but the memory of your life story will haunt them for the rest of their days.

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Spending an extra £30 to get 'free delivery': How you shaft yourself shopping online

SHOPPING online is quicker and more convenient than trudging around town. Plus you’ll be able to screw yourself over in these stupid ways.

Incorrect sizes

Even if you measure every contour of your body and triple-check the results, the leather jacket that’s supposedly in your size that you ordered online still won’t fit you. That’s because the site you bought it from based their sizing on a supermodel, not your knackered, bloated physique. It’s at this point you learn they don’t take returns. So that’s £150 up in smoke.

‘Free delivery’

Websites aren’t stupid. They know their free delivery cut-off point is tantalisingly out of reach of what people actually want to buy, forcing them to add more shit into their cart. You’d be better off sucking it up and paying the £2.99 delivery charge instead of spunking an extra £30 on things you don’t need. But you never will.

Shit replacements

Is Sainsbury’s fresh out of the basic groceries you ordered? No problem. A teenager in a warehouse will substitute the onions you asked for with Easy Peeler oranges, and ship out a load of waterproof plasters instead of the condoms you’re after. They know exactly what they’re doing, but it’s not like you’re going to venture into the shop and give them a bollocking for it.

Trapping yourself at home

You don’t have to leave your house to shop online, in fact you’ll suffer the opposite fate: forced to stay at home during a 12-hour-long delivery window. The first couple of hours will be okay, but the longer you wait the harder it will be to endure. You’ll need to go for a shit at some point, and you just know that’s when they’ll drop a ‘sorry we missed you’ card through the letterbox.

Ludicrous shipping times

You accept that global events are f**king up supply chains. That’s to be expected. But how can it take four months for a sofa to be chucked into a van and driven to your front door? You could have learnt the necessary carpentry skills to build your own couch in that time. It probably would’ve been a lot cheaper, too.