MEN are stoic creatures who bottle up their feelings. Unless they have had eight pints, in which case all these secrets come flying out.
How much they love you, man
Not in a gay way, they insist. More in the way they love a distant family member like their cousin or their nephew’s dog. The sort of love that has minimum impact on their day-to-day life but is there nonetheless. It’s the same love their dad had for them before he moved out. Oh shit, now they’re crying.
The size of their cock
Nobody asked. Nobody wants to know. But once the eighth pint is swimming its way through a man’s system, nothing can prevent him from bringing up the size of his penis. Just like all good writers they’ll insist on showing not telling, at which point you’ll realise they’ve rounded up by a good five inches. Spare their blushes by blaming the cold.
How fit they think your girlfriend is
This nugget of information will be shared entirely unprovoked if the conversation goes anywhere near women. You always knew they had the hots for your partner, but now that suspicion has been boiled down to a number out of ten. You’re meant to be flattered by their lechery and look enthralled as they move on to scoring your mum.
Their wildly exaggerated body count
By a drunken man’s estimate the number of women he’s slept with is in triple digits, minimum. First there was his college girlfriend who you didn’t know because she went to a different campus, then there were all those uni birds you never met and legions of dating app hookups. The real total is two and a half.
Dgdsfffh fhgd andsksle ffythm, skrrrklumt!!
Excellent, a conversation with some talking incoherent babble. Is it a secret? Is it a gurgled cry for help? It’s impossible to tell. You’ll laugh off your confusion which will only provoke an angry reaction. Lost in a maze of incomprehensible conversation, your only way out is to offer to get the next round in. Miraculously, they’ll have some sort of second wind and only slightly slur the words ‘the same again, please’.