Five secrets men only share when they're eight pints deep

MEN are stoic creatures who bottle up their feelings. Unless they have had eight pints, in which case all these secrets come flying out.

How much they love you, man

Not in a gay way, they insist. More in the way they love a distant family member like their cousin or their nephew’s dog. The sort of love that has minimum impact on their day-to-day life but is there nonetheless. It’s the same love their dad had for them before he moved out. Oh shit, now they’re crying.

The size of their cock

Nobody asked. Nobody wants to know. But once the eighth pint is swimming its way through a man’s system, nothing can prevent him from bringing up the size of his penis. Just like all good writers they’ll insist on showing not telling, at which point you’ll realise they’ve rounded up by a good five inches. Spare their blushes by blaming the cold.

How fit they think your girlfriend is

This nugget of information will be shared entirely unprovoked if the conversation goes anywhere near women. You always knew they had the hots for your partner, but now that suspicion has been boiled down to a number out of ten. You’re meant to be flattered by their lechery and look enthralled as they move on to scoring your mum.

Their wildly exaggerated body count

By a drunken man’s estimate the number of women he’s slept with is in triple digits, minimum. First there was his college girlfriend who you didn’t know because she went to a different campus, then there were all those uni birds you never met and legions of dating app hookups. The real total is two and a half.

Dgdsfffh fhgd andsksle ffythm, skrrrklumt!!

Excellent, a conversation with some talking incoherent babble. Is it a secret? Is it a gurgled cry for help? It’s impossible to tell. You’ll laugh off your confusion which will only provoke an angry reaction. Lost in a maze of incomprehensible conversation, your only way out is to offer to get the next round in. Miraculously, they’ll have some sort of second wind and only slightly slur the words ‘the same again, please’.

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Ask women questions about themselves on dates but for Christ's sake not these

WOMEN love to be asked questions about themselves on dates, but avoid these unless you want to go home alone again.

‘What’s a fun fact about you?’

Women want to be wooed on a date, not feel like they’re sitting through a tedious corporate ice-breaker session. If the conversation reaches this dead end, call it a night already because you are categorically not in there. Mistress Pornhub and your right hand await.

‘What do you think of my crazy exes?’

A double-whammy of douchebag behaviour. Even though you’re asking for her opinion, you’re actually just steering the conversation back to your favourite topic: you. Also the adjective you’ve used to describe your ex-girlfriends is a massive red flag. Are they all crazy, or do they all share some mysterious common denominator?

‘What’s your blood type?’

Credit where it’s due, this isn’t a boring question like, ‘How many siblings do you have?’ On the downside, it’s so weirdly invasive that you’re going to sound like you want to harvest her organs. Why do you even need to know? Are you going to have to perform an emergency transfusion before seeing the dessert menu? Creep.

‘Do you normally wear makeup?’

This will come across in one of two ways. Either it’ll seem like you think she’s a disgusting hag underneath her layers of foundation, or it’ll sound like you think she should wear layers of foundation because she’s a disgusting hag. Cover your arse by saying she looks much better without it. This always goes down well.

‘Can I see a picture of your mum?’

If a woman tells you she’s got her mum’s eyes, take her word for it. Do not ask to be provided with photographic evidence. Not only does it sound like you think she’s a liar, your date also knows you want to check out her mum to see what she’ll look like in a few decades.

‘What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?’

You’re tempting fate with this one. If you’ve asked any of the above then you’re forcing her to be brutally honest. That’s if she ever comes back from the bathroom. It’s been half an hour now and there’s no sign of her. Is it normal for someone to take their coat with them to the toilet, you wonder.