Relationship enters 'what shall we have for dinner?' phase

A COUPLE have recognised that their conversation is now mainly about what to eat for their tea.

Tom Logan and Eleanor Shaw moved in together six months ago, beginning what they thought would be an exciting and romantic life together but which soon dwindled into one looping conversation about what to cook.

Logan said: “We used to send each other sexy texts during the day, but now every message says ‘What do you fancy for dinner?’ apart from the odd one about next door’s cat shitting on the patio.

“And then we continue the conversation at home, with each of us saying ‘I don’t mind’ over and over until we get so hungry and cross that we just phone Dominos for the third time that week.

“To be honest, I’d rather live by myself again. At least then I could eat toast every night without someone making annoying comments about my fucking five a day.”

Shaw said: “I used to wish that he’d greet me at the door wearing nothing but a smile and ravish me for hours.

“Now my wildest fantasy is for him to make a pasta bake without asking me about it first.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to not be an arsehole if you're a famous footballer

ARE you a professional footballer who’d like to try not being a total arsehole for once? Simply follow the advice below.

Spitting on people is generally considered a ‘faux pas’, whether at dinner parties or at work. Try to break the habit by asking yourself, “Do I really need to gob on this linesman/supporter/teenage girl?”

If a fan politely asks for your autograph, try just scribbling it down quickly instead of shouting “Fucking get out of my fucking face!” and running them over with your Range Rover.

If a GCSE-age girl texts you saying “Ur a legend! Biggest fan eva! Lisa x” that is not the same as “Send me a picture of your cock post haste!”.

Sometimes having lots of expensive possessions makes you look like an arrogant twat rather than classy and posh. Show restraint and don’t buy more than 15 gold Bentleys.

Appearing in gangster movies by your dreadful showbiz mates is pretend and you are not a real gangland hardman. If you don’t believe us, try antagonising some Turkish heroin dealers and see what happens.

Delight your wife by having regular ‘date nights’ where you don’t go to a nightclub and shag a glamour model or hard-nosed prostitute who’ll end up mocking your penis on Celebrity Big Brother.