AS the names of alleged pornography file sharers were leaked online, men have united to confess that every last one of them looks at dirty stuff on their computers.
How dare you judge him
Men of all ages and backgrounds took the bold step to thwart any potential exploitation had the proof that they look at undressed women engaged in all manner of hot, wet jiggery-pokery fallen into the wrong hands.
Reverend Tom Logan, delegated to speak for all men, said: “Henceforth, it shall be known that every single one of us with broadband, a monitor facing away from the door and 15 seconds of alone time has made the conscious decision to view bad, crazy things.
“Try not to despise us. We are but pathetic slaves to our private parts and putting us in front of a box that conjures up tits and fannies is the same as putting a labrador in front of a pile of sheep droppings.”
Addressing the wives and girlfriends of the world, he added: “You can at least console yourselves that most of us have the integrity not to buy Nuts, FHM or any similar publication that dilutes the sexual objectification of women with asinine Jimmy Carr interviews and pictures of people who’ve just cut their thumbs off.
“We are, if nothing else, men of principle.”
Last night women were responding to the statement with a mixture of weariness and incredulity.
Teacher, Emma Bradford, said: “I’ve looked at my boyfriend’s internet history enough times to know that X-hamster isn’t a website about recently deceased pets. Then again, perhaps it is…”
She added: “But I can’t believe that my lovely cousin Roy, who works with sick animals and is unfailingly polite, would ever want to watch Tera Patrick on the receiving end of – and I believe this is the technical term – ‘a relentless pounding’.”
Roy Hobbs insisted: “I do and I have. A lot. But do not hate me, even though I have failed you.
“We men are like Frankenstein’s monster, flawed in conception and doomed to corrupt all that is beautiful.
“A bit like the last half hour of Spunk Buckets 14.”