NHS Pay Patients To Hurl Themselves Off A Bridge

NHS managers hope to save millions by paying patients with expensive ailments a cash bonus to leap off the nearest tall thing.

Conditions such as obesity can cost the health service a six figure sum per patient, but research has suggested that most of them would consider a nosedive off a tower block for as little as £1,000.

A department of health spokesman said: “Ideally, we need to be convincing those chronically obese teenagers who intend to pop out a dozen little welfare-supported shitfarms.

“We’ve approached Iceland to look at the possibility of having a photo of a grinning doctor holding a load of tenners and a big bottle of paracetamol on bags of Chicken Drumshapes and Mashed Turkey Product.

“Or we could just tell them that hurling yourself at the pavement from a great height is a new part of the X Factor audition process.

“Just paint the logo at the bottom of footbridges alongside a picture of a smiling Dermot O’Leary beckoning them down.”

The potential success of a scheme that pays people only after they’re dead has been questioned, but the department of health insists this grossly overestimates the ability of the target audience to associate cause and affect.

Wayne Hayes, an economy-sized pizza digesting unit from Carlisle, said: “I will happily throw myself off a tall thing if it means I can get a new telly.”

 

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David Miliband Supporters To Undermine His Brother Just For The Hell Of It

SUPPORTERS of David Miliband will today launch a concerted effort to
destroy the leadership of Ed Miliband whether either of them likes it or
not.

Despite assurances from David Miliband that there would no repeat of the Blair-Brown ‘soap opera’, his supporters said that would be fucking right.

And with the shadow foreign secretary tipped to leave frontline politics, sources close to him said that wouldn’t make any difference because they were totally up for causing all kinds of shit.

A senior Labour MP said: “Ed’s a fucking looney. He’s also got a terrible temper and regularly hits his staff with a sock full of coins. What else? Oh yeah, he threw a knife at me. It hit me in the arm and I had to go to hospital but it was all hushed up.”

A former cabinet minister who was a close adviser to both Blair and Brown and had to resign twice before getting a job in Brussels said: “Ed thinks he’s Jesus. Or is that David?

“Is thinking you’re Jesus a bad thing? If it is then Ed actually told me he was Jesus. And then he touched me in the private area. He’s not fit to be prime minister.”

The source, one of the most senior Labour figures to not know what mushy peas are, added: “When David stood up yesterday and urged everyone to support Ed what he was really saying was, ‘if my brother becomes prime minister you may as well kill yourself’.”

A senior Labour backbencher stressed that while the closeness of the contest gives the new pointless rivalry an extra edge, the result really didn’t matter, adding: “I can’t not do this.

“I got into politics so that I could spread malicious lies about everyone and thwart people at every turn. Half my constituents are child molesters and the rest are Nazi war criminals who have been evading income tax for years. I wouldn’t help them if there was a gun to my head.

“Meanwhile both my daughters are psychologically flawed and I’ve always said that my mother is an insane bitch who is simply not up to the job.

“She would make a very good aunt or perhaps an adviser to a woman who is better qualified to be my mother. Such as David Miliband.”