NHS managers hope to save millions by paying patients with expensive ailments a cash bonus to leap off the nearest tall thing.
Conditions such as obesity can cost the health service a six figure sum per patient, but research has suggested that most of them would consider a nosedive off a tower block for as little as Â£1,000.
A department of health spokesman said: “Ideally, we need to be convincing those chronically obese teenagers who intend to pop out a dozen little welfare-supported shitfarms.
“We’ve approached Iceland to look at the possibility of having a photo of a grinning doctor holding a load of tenners and a big bottle of paracetamol on bags of Chicken Drumshapes and Mashed Turkey Product.
“Or we could just tell them that hurling yourself at the pavement from a great height is a new part of the X Factor audition process.
“Just paint the logo at the bottom of footbridges alongside a picture of a smiling Dermot O’Leary beckoning them down.”
The potential success of a scheme that pays people only after they’re dead has been questioned, but the department of health insists this grossly overestimates the ability of the target audience to associate cause and affect.
Wayne Hayes, an economy-sized pizza digesting unit from Carlisle, said: “I will happily throw myself off a tall thing if it means I can get a new telly.”