'Remember us?' Southern Rail asks terrified commuters

SOUTHERN Rail has greeted commuters returning from the Christmas break with a menacing cackle.

The fake train operator said: “So you’ve had a quiet time with the family, having some nice food and drink and watching a bit of telly, have you?

“Well, this morning your train’s only two carriages long and it’s going to terminate outside a field. Ha!

“And did we mention it’s going to cost you even more this year to go slightly faster than an injured cow? Eight times the rate of inflation has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Happy New Year.”

Commuter Nikki Hollis said: “Just after midnight on New Year’s Day a brick came through the window with the amended Croydon to Victoria timetable wrapped around it.

“When I looked outside there was someone from Southern grinning at me and giving me the finger.”

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Britons wake from nightmares about going back to work to find it is a reality

WORKERS have woken from vivid, awful nightmares about offices to find it is all real.

Millions of wage slaves spend last night feverishly dreaming about their offices and all the annoying people in them, only to wake up and find that it was actually happening.

Data inputter Stephen Malley said: “Last night I dreamed that I walked into my office, sat down in front of my computer and groaned ‘hello, old foe’.

“There were some Christmas cards on my monitor, one of them had fallen off and was lying on my keyboard in a forlorn way. Then an annoyingly cheerful woman walked past humming the music to the 90s TV advert for Cadbury’s Boost bars.

“Five hours later and it is all coming true. Am I still asleep? Maybe I should punch someone to see if they turn into a butterfly.”

Sales analyst Nikki Hollis said: “I’m sure I deleted all these emails last night in my dream, then all my teeth fell out and I woke up.

“Hopefully my teeth will all fall out this afternoon because then I might get to go home early.”