Genuinely puzzled Keith Richards survives 2016

ROLLING Stones legend Keith Richards has expressed his genuine surprise at surviving 2016.

As much-loved celebrities died at an alarming rate, Richards revealed his initial paranoia quickly turned into acceptance and resignation.

He said: “By the end of March I just assumed my demise was imminent.

“The thing is, I feel great, so I reckoned it would have to be something spectacular, like being flattened by a falling piano, or being mauled by a cheetah.

“I spend a lot of time with cheetahs. You don’t need to know why.”

 

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May's New Year's resolution is to have one successful policy

THE prime minister has resolved that the next 12 months will see her propose a successful policy.

She said: “It’s just a silly thing I promised myself I’d do when I got into power, but the problem is I’m not exactly sure what the policy should be.

“I did have hopes for grammar schools, which everyone hated, and the fifth runway wasn’t popular, and there’s universal credit, but that’s very much a total and utter balls-up.

“It can’t be that hard. All I’ve got to do is think of something everyone likes. I’m sure I’ll be good at that.”

May added: “Obviously Brexit doesn’t count. That will happen, but it’s a certain disaster and I’m resigning straight afterwards.”