Genuinely puzzled Keith Richards survives 2016

ROLLING Stones legend Keith Richards has expressed his genuine surprise at surviving 2016.

As much-loved celebrities died at an alarming rate, Richards revealed his initial paranoia quickly turned into acceptance and resignation.

He said: “By the end of March I just assumed my demise was imminent.

“The thing is, I feel great, so I reckoned it would have to be something spectacular, like being flattened by a falling piano, or being mauled by a cheetah.

“I spend a lot of time with cheetahs. You don’t need to know why.”