Republicans to keep their f**king heads down

REPUBLICANS have announced plans to keep their f**king heads down for the next couple of weeks until this shitstorm blows itself out.

Britons who believe that the very institute of monarchy itself should be abolished have decided to keep that to themselves for at least a fortnight and possibly longer, depending on how bad this gets.

Helen Archer said: “Yeah, you’d think this would be the ideal time and place, a natural break having occurred and all that, but trust me it very much f**king isn’t.

“Would people get this sentimental about a president in a system where he was the head of state and carried out ceremonial duties while political power rested with the prime minister? Probably not, but don’t even ask right now.

“A hereditary monarchy might well be a ridiculous feudal hangover entrenching an aristocracy and class system. However it’s surprising the people who will react badly to that so hold that thought until ooh, end of September?

“There are people out there on the hunt for people like me. They wish to prove their devotion to a woman they didn’t know by ruining my life. I do not intend to give them the excuse.

“Republicanism? It’s a great idea. It’s the future. But now is not the f**king time.”

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Six strange British reactions to the death of a famous person

IT’S said Britain does pomp and ceremony well, but we’re even better at being weird when the famous pass on. These are the typically abnormal responses:

Majorly inappropriate tributes

Look no further than Remembrance Sunday, when suburban front lawns are turned into dioramas of the Somme, complete with plastic skeletons as corpses. If a local takeaway announces a pizza with the words ‘RIP YOUR MAJESTY’ spelled out in pepperoni, do not be in any way surprised.

TV goes weird

Post-death, even largely forgotten 1950s comedians suddenly become national treasures. With the royals the BBC has a strict policy of overkill, reporting for hours on nothing happening. Meanwhile other channels give up on ratings to broadcast schedule-fillers, resulting in them commemorating tragic national events with repeats of The Persuaders.

You’re assumed to be part of the hive mind  

Everyone is distraught, with no exceptions. Our newspapers operate a lucrative grief machine so pretend it’s normal to be sobbing in the street at the death of someone you’ve never met. If you don’t, you’ll be called a traitor and someone on Twitter will genuinely want you sent to the Tower of London.

One of your relatives gets in on the act

You had no idea Auntie Clare was a huge fan of Olivia Newton-John, mainly because she wasn’t. However she will start saying she was ‘so talented’ or ‘they don’t make films like Grease anymore’. But we all want to feel part of something, and it’s better than her joining UKIP.

Historical revisionism

Not really applicable to the Queen, who was genuinely liked, but cast your mind back to Princess Di. She really wasn’t as popular as in 1981, and knocking around with tubby playboy Dodi didn’t help. Then everyone from Tony Blair to the Sun decided she was loved by all and above criticism. Dare to mention this in 2022 and you will be immediately cancelled.

The inevitable cash-in

After weeks of supposedly earnest grief over the death of a beloved figure, it’s time to monetise them. Naturally there will be the dishwasher-unsafe commemorative plates and mugs, but also the TV series and sick-making newspaper supplements. Be sure to buy some absolute tat like a Queen Elizabeth II TV remote control holder. It’ll be worth a lot of money in 50 years’ time, because the Chinese factory only made 12 million of them.