Mail on Sunday souvenir supplement to exhaust resources of entire Earth

THE Mail on Sunday’s souvenir supplement commemorating Elizabeth II is to be so lavish it will fell every tree on the planet, the newspaper has confirmed.

The 80,208 page supplement, titled ‘Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: A Life Well Lived And A Monarch Forever In Our Hearts’, will cover every single week in the monarch’s life in painstaking detail and contain every photo of her ever taken.

Every tree in the world is to be felled to make paper for the supplement, which will also consume all inks, wear out every printing press and burn out the hard drive of every computer on the planet.

Editor Julian Cook said: “Our parent organisation will be bankrupted in the production of this gargantuan supplement, which will sell for the normal cover price of £1.80.

“The entire banking system will also collapse due to the unpaid loans and pressure placed on it, as will all world governments. By midday on Sunday the earth will be a wasteland.

“Thus will material reality reflect how true Britons feels in their hearts following the loss of the Queen. The newspaper will also contain sudoku, the wordwheel and a Fred Bassett cartoon.”

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Last thing that can go wrong does go wrong

THE nation is likely to lose its shit in a variety of expected and unexpected ways over the next few days, experts have confirmed.

Following hard on the heels of the disasters of Brexit, the pandemic, ongoing political instability, spiralling inflation and the cost-of-living crisis, the Queen has died sending Britain fully batshit loopy.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The Queen was a constant presence in a rapidly changing Britain, and without her the country will collectively lose what shreds of sanity it had left.

“Some things that will happen are predictable, like your dad putting a ‘RIP Queen’ overlay on his Facebook picture. Others are less certain, such as will Greggs bring out a special ‘King Charles and onion’ slice?

“We will certainly see a rash of mawkishly sentimental memes, like a drawing of the Queen meeting Captain Tom on a cloud. And your mum will definitely get a bit shirty about you mentioning Queen Consort Camilla before locking herself in the bathroom for a quick cry.

“But ultimately this moment will bring us altogether as a nation. Well, at least for a few weeks, after which normal service will resume and we’ll be calling each other Nazis again.”