Traitor eats toast instead of watching BBC

A COLD-HEARTED turncoat has consumed a slice of toast with Lurpak instead of remaining in front of the TV for updates about the Queen.

Disgrace to his country Tom Logan claimed to be ‘really peckish’ and spent almost four minutes grilling bread, showing a callous disregard for the wellbeing of the mother of his nation.

Partner Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve seen a very ugly side to Tom. Instead of sitting transfixed in front of rolling news he was gallivanting about in the kitchen without a care in the world.

“He’s not just a quisling who hates his country, he’s a psychopath. He sat there munching on toast rather than giving 100 per cent undivided attention to Huw Edwards repeating what he’d just said two minutes ago.

“I can’t continue living with a vile monster worse than Hitler. He’s dumped and homeless. Also, is there a number for reporting treason? I think MI5 should know.”

Logan is currently back in front of BBC1 but not before disrespecting the Queen again, this time by going to the toilet instead of holding it in.

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Rock music's six greatest misogynist anthems

ROCK music is littered with lyrics that are sexist at best and downright misogynist at worst. Here are some classic tracks of varying degrees of offensiveness.

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight

A dubious compliment to Pattie Boyd. Man goes to party with attractive blonde on his arm as pleasing ornament. Luckily her tiny brain is only concerned with: ‘Do I look alright?’ Man then gets shitfaced and makes her drive him home and put him to bed. Less like a song and more like an entirely factual account of an evening with Clapton in his pissed-up ‘Enoch’s alright’ period.

Guns n Roses – It’s So Easy

‘Turn around bitch I’ve got a use for you/ Besides, you ain’t got nothin’ better to do/ And I’m bored.’ Whichever charm school Axl Rose went to must have very affordable fees. He would have got away with this with groupies once, but it’s nice to think ladies nowadays tell him to f**k off because he looks like an overfed piglet in a ginger wig.

Pearl Jam – Black

‘All I taught her was everything’ go the lyrics, strongly suggesting it’s about sex and not, say, teaching her to juggle. Oh, Eddie Vedder, you self-appointed little love guru, you. The tune then turns into a dreary lament about getting unceremoniously dumped, which, when you’ve got an ego the size of Manhattan, should really come as no surprise.

Motley Crue – Girls, Girls, Girls

The title is a bit of a red flag, and this lesson in Motley Crue’s trademark sexual objectification doesn’t disappoint. ‘Long legs and burgundy lips/ Red lips, fingertips’ explains Vince Neil. Hope you’re taking notes, ladies. You don’t want to embarrass the Crue by having short legs. On a cautionary note, if your lips are turning burgundy it may be due to oxygen deprivation from the suffocating heavy metal cliches. 

ZZ Top – Sharp Dressed Man

‘They come runnin’ just as fast as they can/ ‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a sharp-dressed man.’ Yep, wear a suit and a bit of bling and in the surreal otherworld of ZZ Top, women will fall at your feet. Sadly for the ZZs, no amount of Gucci pinstripes and Dolce & Gabbana cufflinks can change the fact that they look like some sort of freakish Texas hillbilly Gandalf tribute act.

Foo Fighters – All My Life

Dave Grohl is usually on the mark lyrically, but this homage to cunnilingus is strange. ‘Done, done and I’m on to the next one/ Done, done and I’m on to the next’. Does he honestly believe hordes of women will form an orderly queue and wait their turn to have his bearded mush slavering all over their lady parts? Sadly for the rest of menkind, he’s still pretty sexy so they probably would.