TRYING desperately to make your child eat baba ganoush when all they want is Monster Munch? Here are five lunches they’ll despise.
Carrot and cucumber sticks with homemade hummus
You think this is healthy and fun because they can dip the vegetables in themselves. Until they see another kid with Dairylea Lunchables and realise you are a tedious bellend. This revelation will linger in the back of their mind forever, and they will always treat you with a touch of contempt.
Bean and cheese quesadillas
The only reason you want your child to eat these is so they correctly pronounce the word ‘quesadilla’ in front of their teacher, making you look like a wonderful parent who has already taught them about world cuisine. Unfortunately these Mexican delicacies went in a hedge on the way to school, and your child is at the tuck shop pronouncing ‘Mars Bar’ instead.
They love sushi at Itsu, so you think it would be fun to make some for their lunchbox. Unfortunately, their schoolmates think they are a) weird and b) a twat, and rip the piss out of them until the end of primary school. In fact, they will still be called ‘Fishy Shitface’ in the sixth form, and their best man will mention it at their wedding.
Half an avocado plus spoon
Are you f**king joking? Have you seen an avocado after it’s been in a lunchbox which has been in a rucksack which has stood in for a football and been kicked around a playground for 20 minutes? You’ll never see that spoon again either, they’ve had it confiscated after their thick friend Dave tried to to stick it up his nose.
Coronation chickpea sandwich
Congratulations. You’ve achieved the impossible by making the vilest sandwich filling ever healthy, and therefore even more vile. Stop being such an aspirational prick and give your child what they want: cheese sandwich, crisps and a can of Coke. They say you can’t buy your child’s love, but you can, with a Wagon Wheel.