Five middle class school lunch box ideas your kid will chuck in a hedge

TRYING desperately to make your child eat baba ganoush when all they want is Monster Munch? Here are five lunches they’ll despise.

Carrot and cucumber sticks with homemade hummus

You think this is healthy and fun because they can dip the vegetables in themselves. Until they see another kid with Dairylea Lunchables and realise you are a tedious bellend. This revelation will linger in the back of their mind forever, and they will always treat you with a touch of contempt.

Bean and cheese quesadillas

The only reason you want your child to eat these is so they correctly pronounce the word ‘quesadilla’ in front of their teacher, making you look like a wonderful parent who has already taught them about world cuisine. Unfortunately these Mexican delicacies went in a hedge on the way to school, and your child is at the tuck shop pronouncing ‘Mars Bar’ instead.


They love sushi at Itsu, so you think it would be fun to make some for their lunchbox. Unfortunately, their schoolmates think they are a) weird and b) a twat, and rip the piss out of them until the end of primary school. In fact, they will still be called ‘Fishy Shitface’ in the sixth form, and their best man will mention it at their wedding.

Half an avocado plus spoon

Are you f**king joking? Have you seen an avocado after it’s been in a lunchbox which has been in a rucksack which has stood in for a football and been kicked around a playground for 20 minutes? You’ll never see that spoon again either, they’ve had it confiscated after their thick friend Dave tried to to stick it up his nose.

Coronation chickpea sandwich

Congratulations. You’ve achieved the impossible by making the vilest sandwich filling ever healthy, and therefore even more vile. Stop being such an aspirational prick and give your child what they want: cheese sandwich, crisps and a can of Coke. They say you can’t buy your child’s love, but you can, with a Wagon Wheel.

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The telltale signs you're less attractive than you think

EVERYONE has a vague idea of how attractive they are. But is there a chance you’ve wildly overestimated your hotness? Look out for these clues.

You’re still single

If you were attractive, chances are you’d have a partner. Most people have low standards and will settle for a less-than-perfect other half if it means they’re no longer alone. By this logic you must be a certified uggo, although you get to dodge tedious relationship drama and trips to the in-laws, so count your blessings, Quasimodo.

Nobody talks to you

It’s not just appearances that can be unattractive, your personality can be deeply repellent too. If people are giving you abrupt, one-word answers or blatantly ignoring you, maybe they can’t stand your hot takes on NFTs or jokes clearly recycled from social media. Rather unfairly, people are fascinated by the same dull shit if it’s coming from cuties, but them’s the breaks.

You don’t light up a room

The Richard Geres and Brigitte Bardots of the world cause gatherings to go quiet as everyone is bewitched by their physical beauty. When you walk into the room everyone’s more interested in stuffing their gobs before the buffet runs out. You are quite literally less attractive than an Iceland mini sausage roll.

Strangers stare at you but not with uncontrollable lust

Do you often find that people on the street do a double take and stare at you in horror? It’s not because there’s something weird and disgusting behind you. They’re actually looking at you and reacting in a way that feels natural to them. Do everyone a courtesy and wear a bag over your head.

You shatter reflective surfaces

Is it hard to find a mirror in your home without massive cracks running through it? Do puddles convulse in a frenzy of ripples when you try to look into them? If so, this could be science’s way of telling you that you’re a three out of ten at best. Be grateful – at least you don’t get to look at your ugly mug because your phone screen broke when you tried to take a selfie, again.