Guardian reader was kind of hoping Truss wouldn't help with bills

A FINANCIALLY secure Guardian reader has admitted hoping Liz Truss would not do anything about energy bills so as to hasten the revolution.

The new prime minister will today announce her plan to freeze energy prices for two years, disappointing 41-year-old Tom Booker who felt sure she would ignore the crisis.

He said: “Bloody Tories, listening to economists and ordinary working people who’d be plunged into unimaginable poverty. How’s that going to spark fighting in the streets?

“Here I was expecting closed pubs, shuttered chippies, the complete breakdown of public services, the scales torn from the electorate’s eyes and a landslide Starmer victory. I don’t go to the pub or eat chips so I was looking forward to it.

“The entirety of Britain would have been in flames while I watched from the bay windows. We’ve got a long drive so it wouldn’t have reached our house. We’ve got gates.

“I felt sure she’d be such a hardcore Thatcherite she’d not only let it happen but give speeches saying we deserved it. If she truly believed in free-market principles she’d cheer it on.

“Sure, we’ll still have rationing and blackouts, but idiot Britain will shoulder those like it’s the Blitz and praise Liz for getting us through it. F**k. How will we rejoin the EU now?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six dense bastards who voted for Brexit and regret it

DO you keep encountering people on radio phone-ins or in real life who ignored the obvious risks of Brexit? Here are six dense f**kers to make you despair for humanity.

Holidaymakers surprised at having to queue at customs

Despite years of droning on about borders, these Brexiters were shocked to discover other countries had them. Surely your (blue) British passport is like a magical key allowing you instant access to any land? Trust Johnny Foreigner not to get the memo. Too busy chasing women on shitty little scooters, probably.

People who thought we’d fund the NHS

These people get a free pass when it comes to Bregrets. Did they not notice that Farage, Johnson, Rees-Mogg and the rest are a bunch of f**king liars who make Gollum look trustworthy? On the other hand, if you’re cynical about it, what sounds better if you’re interviewed by Sky News, ‘I voted for more money for the NHS’ or ‘All them Polish can piss off back to Russia’?

The Asian guy who thought it wouldn’t be racist

There’s always an Asian guy willing to go on LBC or similar to claim Brexit wasn’t racist. That’s despite UKIP’s racist poster, the overtly racist comments, the rise in racist ‘incidents’, and all the racists who loved Brexit. It’s a state of blissful gormlessness akin to thinking how lovely and warm it is without noticing your living room is on fire. 


Left-wing Brexiters saw it as a blow against the capitalist EU and a step toward a working class utopia. That’s the same working class of which many hate lefties and vote Tory. Now you’ve got useless bloody Brexit and the proles still have zero interest in your Marxist fantasies. Maybe do something more useful with your life, like collecting Rings of Power bobbleheads.


Not content with crippling their own labour supply, the 52 per cent of farmers who voted Brexit didn’t wonder about people like Jacob Rees-Mogg promising cheaper food. Where was this going to come from? Investment in farming methods? Subsidising British food? Or from low food standards countries like the US where they’re probably bio-engineering a monstrous 15-legged chicken for KFC?

‘Suck it up’ Brexit triumphalists 

These twats thought Brexit was a football match and salt-of-the-earth right-wingers won a brilliant victory over cleverdick Remainers, a made-up ‘metropolitan elite’ and ‘snowflake’ young people. The only thing in their favour is that they’ve gone strangely quiet about Brexit now. And that’s not really a positive – like every Brexit ‘achievement’ it usually just means ‘things aren’t as bad as we thought they would be’.