MANY everyday phrases you use are, on closer inspection, just a random collection of meaningless words thrown together. Like these deeply confusing sayings.
Blow your socks off
The blast wave from any event sufficiently powerful to literally blow your socks off your feet would instantly kill you. If someone says ‘Check out this band live, they’ll blow your socks off’, take it to mean you’re in extreme danger and don’t go.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
As health advice this is absolutely catastrophic. It’s wrong to give people false hope about the curative value of edible fruit when they need a heart bypass. That said, the Tories will probably replace the NHS with posters bearing this gibberish aphorism as a cost-cutting measure.
Chip on your shoulder
Sure, if you had some chips on your shoulder you would probably be annoyed, due to the grease. But that would go for any food surely, so why not ‘goulash on your shoulder’, or even ‘tapas on your knees’?
Revenge is a dish best served cold
You’re taking your revenge by giving someone cold food? Well done, as long as it isn’t ice-cream or gazpacho. Even serving them a cold omelette is a very, very minor victory. If you’re ‘eating’ revenge yourself, shouldn’t it be ‘Revenge is a dish best enjoyed piping hot’?
The dog’s bollocks
Part of a series of baffling sayings for things that are ostensibly good, like ‘cat’s pyjamas’ and ‘bee’s knees’. However, anyone who’s actually seen – or smelt – a dog’s penis and testicles will attest they have no redeeming features whatsoever.
Don’t try to teach your grandma to suck eggs
Firstly, what grandmother couldn’t actually suck on an egg? It’s weird, but not difficult. Secondly, what would a grandmother stand to gain from being able to? Apart from being able to participate in one of the most underwhelming Britain’s Got Talent auditions of all time.
Straight from the horse’s mouth
This phrase assumes a lot right off the bat, primarily that horses are apparently very wise. How did it ever gain traction when everyone knows the only things that come out of horses’ mouths are bits of drool and bad breath?
Bob’s your uncle
Try to explain this phrase to someone learning English and you’ll instantly recognise it for the pile of horseshit it is. Your uncle’s not called Robert, and even if he was it doesn’t guarantee the success of anything. Britain’s long descent into mediocrity can surely be traced back to the coining of this phrase.