Juggling knives and other things it's best not to do today

TODAY sees nurses hold the biggest strike in NHS history, meaning you should probably play it safe and avoid these activities.

Juggling knives

Tossing knives into the air and catching them might look impressive, but it’s best done when there’s free medical assistance available and an abundance of ambulances ready to whisk your armless torso off to hospital. In fact all circus skills, including fire breathing and unicycling, should be off limits today. Not least because they’re inherently annoying.

Slipping on ice

Admittedly there’s never a good day to be caught off guard by a patch of black ice as you trudge to the Co-op for Rizla papers. But if you’re going to go arse over tit and crack your head open, you might as well wait until trained professionals are there to put you back together. It’s just common sense.

Risky anal stuff

What you get up to in the privacy of your own depraved sex life is your business. Nobody’s judging you, much. If you’re thinking of shoving a ketchup bottle up your arse in a moment of aroused boredom, make sure you’re able to remove it easily. Never mind your physical wellbeing, how are you going to add some flavour to your oven chips if the Heinz is stuck up your rectum?

Getting frostbite

The nation is currently facing an impossible dilemma. Should they switch the heating on and watch their last few remaining pennies go up the chimney? Or should they try to endure the cold snap and risk their fingers dropping off in the process? While the nurses are on strike you’re better off bankrupting yourself, unless you’re a rich f**ker who’ll get luxury frostbite treatment on Bupa.

Falling off a ladder

Ladders are precarious death traps even when every surface isn’t covered in a thin layer of slippery frost. And with nurses walking out today, they’re a more dangerous inciting incident in an episode of Casualty than usual. Even if you’re a Buster Keaton-style stuntman, just take the day off. It’s not worth fractures, concussion and feeling chilly to boot.

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Family gives in and puts heating on and it's still too bloody cold

A FAMILY who gave in and put the central heating on are horrified to find their house remains too cold for habitation.

Father-of-two Tom Booker last night decided to throw caution to the wind, turn the smart meter to face the wall and crank the heating up to a decadent 19.5ºC, only to find it was still f**king freezing.

He said: “What? Why is it still cold? But the heating!

“Yes, I’ve caved in. Yes, I am weak and decadent and all those other things Vladimir Putin says about the West. Yes, I’m ashamed. But how am I all those things and still not warm?

“The radiators are on. It’s okay when you stand right next to them. But even a few paces away my feet are freezing, and the bigger rooms never heat up at all.

“Is it my fault? Am I being punished for breaking down? Have things got so bad under the Tories that even the laws of thermodynamics no longer apply?”

Wife Sam Booker said: “Maybe we should try putting it up to a balmy 21ºC. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just accept that we’re dead.”