Rioters 'not introduced to violence early enough'

A SENIOR Labour MP has blamed last year’s riots on parents failing to introduce their children to violence as quickly as possible.

David Lammy believes Labour’s anti-smacking law has left an entire generation unfamiliar with beating and that a brutality-free childhood meant that they had no idea that violence can hurt shops and people.

Lammy said: “If only these teenagers had been made familiar with the seductive, addictive power of violence earlier, perhaps by having the piss beaten out of them by a parental authority figure, then they would have understood how dangerous it can be.

“Unfortunately this has led to the sort of softly-softly liberal parenting all too common on Tottenham council estates, where a discussion about whether to smack little Hunter will last a whole dinner party.”

Dr Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, added: “The curriculum at your average inner-city school centres around Buddhism Theory, Peace Studies and Love. These children didn’t even know glass shatters when you hurl a brick at it.

“Their laughter when shop windows broke into glittering shards with a lovely tinkling noise was the laughter of childlike disbelief.”

Manchester rioter Donna Sheridan said: “I wish my parents had taught me, by the regular application of kickings, that violence is not to be used under any circumstances.

“Because Labour stopped my parents hitting me, I have no notion of right and wrong. When I ran from Foot Locker with armfuls of trainers I assumed the money would somehow be debited from my account.”


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Decline in marine life possibly due to all the shit in the sea, say experts

THE decline in marine life may in some way be connected to all the shit, piss and bleach pumped in there every single day by everyone in the world, it has been claimed.

The theory is still in its early stages, but some scientists suspect that fish are allergic to Domestos.

Dr Susan Traherne, from the Institute for Studies, said: “As yet, there is no definite causal link between the mass death of fish and the unrelenting Niagara of shit. It does seem like a strange coincidence but I’m not about to stake my academic reputation on it.”

She added: “It’s hard for a layman to grasp, but imagine you had a goldfish in a tank at home and you poured in a can of engine oil and then some fertilizer. And then you had a shit in it.  And then got everyone you knew to have a shit in it too.

“You’d expect the goldfish to be annoyed, but cope with the minor chemical variations reasonably well.

“But in the just over six thousand versions of this experiment we’ve performed, the goldfish has died every single time.

“Now, maybe the fish died of natural causes. Maybe they were just very lazy fish and forgot to breathe. Or maybe the fish were killed by all the shit.

“It’s simply too early to tell.”