Rooney facing six months in quarantine

WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.

The bulbous striker is expected to make gestures at the panel indicating his lunge at Montenegro’s Dzudovic was a reflex reaction caused by his opponent’s kneecap looking like a septuagenarian prostitute.

His lawyers are also hoping to fool the Swiss by inventing a British tradition of kicking somebody in an international match for good luck if your father has recently been arrested.

But Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “Apparently we don’t have the right kind of pet passport for him, so he could be kept in a little cage at Heathrow airport shouting obscenities at customs officers until June.

“Normally we lock him in the coach toilet when we’re driving through border controls.

“But hopefully he’ll get the all clear from a Swiss vet and I’ll have him back to do some ratting at my stables by the weekend.

“He’s allowed to eat what he kills.”

Meanwhile, the UEFA panel will decide how many games Rooney will be available to not score in for England next summer as well as revisiting claims that he is not even the correct species to be playing football.

Based on his performance in Basel last night, as Manchester United were knocked out of a Champion’s League group containing two pub teams and a post office queue, many now believe Rooney to be some kind of semi-animate root vegetable.



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Inventor of driverless car 'inspired by dream of masturbating in back seat of moving vehicle'

AS self-driving vehicles become a reality, their creator has revealed he was inspired by the notion of being able to masturbate while travelling on a busy road.

While internet giant Google has become the latest company to develop an autonomous vehicle, the concept of the driverless car was originated by pioneering LA engineer Tom Logan, whose boyhood dream was to perform self-abuse while alone in a moving vehicle.

Addressing the ‘Innovators 2012’ conference in Silicone Valley, Logan said: “Ever since I was a boy, I’ve thought how cool it would be to just glide down the highway, in the safe metal cocoon of a vehicle piloted by artificial intelligence, masturbating.

“I have dedicated my life to that dream, and now it is a reality. Yesterday I took to the highway in a prototype intelligent vehicle that allowed me to stop driving, clamber into the back seat and quickly masturbate, although it was only safe to do so for five minutes.

“There was a light breeze coming through the windows and Steely Dan playing on the stereo.

“And just as I thought, onlookers were so amazed by the lack of driver that they didn’t even notice what I was up to.”

He added: “Advances in technology are freeing up more time for us all to spend masturbating.

“Driverless cars, robot cleaners, android chefs – tedious drudgery will become a thing of the past, allowing humans to concentrate on pleasuring themselves up to 20 times a day.

“Future generations will scarce believe how little we used to masturbate.”