School discos shit even if called 'prom nights'

GLEE-STYLE ‘prom nights’ are just school discos repackaged for the gullible, it has emerged.

Teenagers confirmed that when you strip away the expensive American-influenced bullshit, a ‘prom night’ is just a room full of spotty people trying to touch each other’s genitals.

16-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I stood around with my friends talking about console games. I tried talking to Gemma Leeson at the end but it was weird and we were both scared.

“I thought wearing a suit would make me more confident but it just reminded me of when I had to go to court for stealing a hard drive from Maplin.

“In summary, no major rites of passage were completed. It was just like my dad described his school discos except afterwards I went home and watched internet pornography.”

Parent Emma Bradford said: “I thought proms were just an American thing, but apparently I have to shell out £500 because my daughter’s done a few GCSEs at a comprehensive in Romford.

“In my day you had a disco where all the boys stood around awkwardly in ironed jeans and the girls all looked as though they were wearing clown make-up.

“That’s unless you were one of the cool kids who had to have their stomach pumped after drinking a bottle of Smirnoff in the toilets.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
An engineering breakthrough this week as your repeated huffing on the train miraculously fixes the broken signals further down the track.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In your younger days as a groupie you once had sex with Randy Travis. All four of them.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not make the second Star Trek film more entertaining by imagining William Shatner is calling his foe a c**t in a cockney accent?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your Glass is always half empty, proving what a terrible name for a pub ‘Your Glass’ is.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After furiously insisting that they ‘connect the goddamned dots’ and ‘do the maths, sheeple’ it’s decided you’re not cut out to be a primary school teacher.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Level 127 of Candy Crush, you say? I mention that Mozart died at the age of 35 merely by way of comparison.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to crack out the summer wardrobe, if a pair of cut-off jeans and a stained t-shirt saying ‘Radio 1 Roadshow 1995’ can be called a wardrobe.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s the worst possible time for the air conditioning at work to break down, but fortunately you’re on long-term suspension for that incident in the toilets.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After another Friday night home alone you want music to match your mood, but iTunes comes up blank for the term ‘murderous’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If you don’t like it you have the option to just stop watching it. But your passengers would prefer if you’d pull over from the fast lane.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Bad news from the adoption agency, after you asked if they had any non-union ones that could work a 12-hour shift.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Due to a clerical error you will spend the rest of the month as Scorpio. Quick, start humping something.