It is too hot to do any work, confirm experts

LEADING scientists have warned Britons not to attempt doing any work today.

Temperatures have passed the tipping point beyond which work is no longer possible.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “You cannot work in this. No way.

“Even if you’ve got all the windows open and a fan going. And air conditioning doesn’t really work, it makes the air really stuffy and germy.”

Professor Brubaker confirmed the temperature today would be ‘really hot’.

He said: “If you try to think about work things, for example processing lab results, you will just die. Your brain would burst because of ‘heat melt’.

“People can go into work if they want but it’s pointless and they certainly should not be forced.”

Meteorologist Tom Booker confirmed that Britain is currently more like a hot country: “The only work you can do in this sort of weather is very slowly mending a fishing net while sitting on a small jetty.

“Not sure what it’ll be like in the rest of the week, too hot to do any forecasts today.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Children just stupid

YOUR children are stupid, it has emerged.

Researchers have found that late bedtimes and slapdash bedroom routines have less effect on children’s behaviour than their innate idiocy.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Unfortunately your children’s dickish behaviour is not connected to anything you can change.

“They’re just little idiots.”