School overrated

GOING to school is largely a waste of time, according to experts.

Experts at the Institute for Studies found that league tables were irrelevant and that pupils attending any school emerged precisely as stupid or intelligent as when they entered.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “School has two main purposes – to stop children making their parents’ lives a misery and to confirm their social status as either ‘posh’ or ‘dispensable’.

“There is nothing really you learn at school that you could not get from reading every Sherlock Holmes story and then spending a few hours looking at an atlas.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “I don’t really remember anything from school except one lunchtime when I drank so much milk that I puked.

“Oh, and one time someone brought a kestrel in.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cumberbatch to play Alan Hansen

BENEDICT Cumberbatch has been confirmed to play football pundit Alan Hansen in a forthcoming biopic.

Young Alan producer Roy Hobbs said: “Benedict nailed the ‘coloured people’ gaffe last weekend – it was just as squirmingly awkward and inappropriate as when Alan Hansen did it on Match of the Day back in 2011.

“We knew then that after months of searching we had found our star. And believe me, it was a nightmare getting someone who would be accepted by Alan Hansen’s notoriously obsessive fan base.”

He added: “The highly anticipated Alan Hansen film will include some of the pundit’s most famous gaffes, such as mistakenly writing off inexperienced Premier League title challengers with the immortal line ‘you can’t win anything with kids’.

It is the story of a man succeeding despite a debilitating lack of charisma.”