School trip costs how f**king much?

A SCHOOL trip to somewhere not even far away costs they-are-taking-the-fucking-piss, parents have confirmed.

The trip to the Deep Sea Adventure aquarium would cost an ordinary family around £25 but the school trip works out at three times more just to look at some fish.  

Parent Nathan Muir fumed: “I’ve been to that aquarium. They have a special price for school parties. Excellent.

“I know they’ve got to get there, but they’re not hiring the Rolling Stones’ tour bus. It’s just some fucking coach where the seats are still sticky from the last kid’s Capri-Sun.

“What’s the extra cash for? Worksheets? Are they going to some VIP area where you can get a lapdance from a penguin?

“I could take the day off work and drive there myself. Then I could spend the afternoon swigging Moët & Chandon in the cafe and still have money spare.”

Muir added: “And I’ll have to give them a tenner spending money to blow on cuddly manta rays and scented rubbers from the shop. Does the school hate me?”


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Mashing stuff down plughole 'probably fine', say experts

FORCING things down the plughole is unlikely to have bad consequences, according to boffins who cannot be arsed to walk to the bin.

An intensive six-month research project by the Institute for Studies found that while putting waste matter in the bin is the right thing to do, it is also boring and yucky.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our studies have led us to the conclusion that forcing a bit of wet beef down the sink isn’t the end of the world.

“Ramming potato peelings, wet bread and bits of cereal down the hole can’t do that much harm, can it? That’s just rigorous science.

“Also no one really knows what’s underneath the plughole anyway. Who’s to say it’s not a special bin for leftover pasta?”

However a rival team at the University of Helsinki has made the controversial claim that the sink will eventually become blocked with rotting matter that is “mega-stinky”.