Schools to change baccalaureate to something pupils can spell

SCHOOLS across England are to change the name of the new baccalaureate to something like ‘Bat’ or ‘Cat’.

The European-style qualification has left thousands of youngsters confused and angry with its long train of syllables that seems to go on for ages.

Now ministers want to make the exams less daunting by reducing the brand name to a single syllable that can be easily represented with a picture.

A spokesman for the department of education said: “A lot of them don’t even make it into the exam hall. They see a sign reading ‘baccalaureate’ and just stand there staring at it blankly for a couple of minutes before going home to watch snuff movies.

“If we have a picture of a nice cat we might get a few more of them through the door.”

He added: “Whose idea was it to introduce a five syllable word into the English education system?”

The latest exam league tables have also revealed that despite England having thousands of schools full of perfectly adequate teachers and useful, knowledge-filled books, Britain’s children remain wholly indifferent.

Educationalist Bill McKay said: “You can have a debate about teaching methods and tweaking the curriculum but what we really need is for our children to just stop being ghastly fuckers.

“If I was the education secretary I would order 12 million electric shock collars and tell the teachers to go nuts.”

Meanwhile, Stephen Malley, a 17 year-old from Doncaster who asked not to be named, said: “I’ve been secretly able to spell baccalaureate for a couple of weeks now but if I admit it all my friends will form a circle around me and pelt me with bricks.”



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UK's biggest selling car is a goat

RECORD numbers of UK households are ditching the family car for a medium-sized goat.

Rocketing petrol prices, insurance and parking charges mean putting a saddle on a goat is now 64% cheaper than a Vauxhall Vectra.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis, who switched to goat last September, said: “We’re running a three year-old Anglo-Nubian female called Pickle. She doesn’t have electric windows but she will eat carrots that have been on the floor.

“When my thighs get sore I just strap on a pair of skates and loop some rope round her neck. If she gets tired I hit her with this stick.

“Security wise, there’s a length of chain I loop around her back legs and then padlock. It’s cheaper than an engine immobiliser and means I don’t get conned out of a grand if it goes tits up.

“And parking isn’t really a problem as traffic wardens are more inclined to give her some of their crisps.”

Hollis added: “She’s much better than the Seat Ibiza I had before, except that the Seat Ibiza didn’t shit wildly every 15 minutes and try to bite men in yellow jumpers. But unlike the Ibiza she can perch proudly on the side of a mountain, and show me the mid-sized hatchback that can be easily barbecued if you lose your job.”

The increasing popularly of goats has forced leading car manufacturers to devlop prototypes with low profile legs and a range of utterly superfluous technology.

Motoring journalist Tom Logan said: “Ford’s Angora ZR is a sporty, versatile goat with patented Anal Containment technology that reduces the greenhouse gas emissions associated with eating absolutely everything.

“It’s basically a cork, though you do have to take it out at night or the goat will burst.”