SCHOOLS across England are to change the name of the new baccalaureate to something like ‘Bat’ or ‘Cat’.
The European-style qualification has left thousands of youngsters confused and angry with its long train of syllables that seems to go on for ages.
Now ministers want to make the exams less daunting by reducing the brand name to a single syllable that can be easily represented with a picture.
A spokesman for the department of education said: “A lot of them don’t even make it into the exam hall. They see a sign reading ‘baccalaureate’ and just stand there staring at it blankly for a couple of minutes before going home to watch snuff movies.
“If we have a picture of a nice cat we might get a few more of them through the door.”
He added: “Whose idea was it to introduce a five syllable word into the English education system?”
The latest exam league tables have also revealed that despite England having thousands of schools full of perfectly adequate teachers and useful, knowledge-filled books, Britain’s children remain wholly indifferent.
Educationalist Bill McKay said: “You can have a debate about teaching methods and tweaking the curriculum but what we really need is for our children to just stop being ghastly fuckers.
“If I was the education secretary I would order 12 million electric shock collars and tell the teachers to go nuts.”
Meanwhile, Stephen Malley, a 17 year-old from Doncaster who asked not to be named, said: “I’ve been secretly able to spell baccalaureate for a couple of weeks now but if I admit it all my friends will form a circle around me and pelt me with bricks.”