MPs using jail to avoid electorate

MANY more MPs are expected to admit fraud in a bid to get away from whining, busy-body constituents.

Freshly convicted Labour MP Eric Ilsley is said to be looking forward to several months amongst a population that has no idea who he is or what he and his party has utterly failed to do for the last 15 years.

The parliamentary prison population is now expected to swell, leading to the creation of a convict gang called ‘The Backbenchers’ who will terrorise institutions with a regime of long-winded speeches and utter fucking lies.

Potato peeler and former MP, David Chaytor, said: “Wandsworth’s full of morally bankrupt lunatics willing to stab their colleagues for half a chunky Kit Kat. That said, there is slightly less anal sex.”

He added: “We’ve created a safe haven for politicians, free from the incessant harping of journalists and constituents. Who’s going to accuse you of being a lazy, two-faced, thieving shit in a place like this?

“And an unexpected bonus is that these chap’s views on immigration and paedophiles would be viewed as robustly fruity, even by Anne Widdecombe. If this place had a decent restaurant I’d never leave.”

Wandsworth governor Roy Hobbs said: “Prisoner 547219 has already tried it on with me by claiming double bedsheet allowance for his regular cell and a ‘work’ cell that he says he needs because it’s nearer to the kitchen.

“I’m also looking into claims he’s involved in a ‘snout for visitation rights’ scandal. It’s not like it used to be here – at least the rapists kept themselves to themselves.”



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Reeves to end excessive bank profits with angry poem

SHADOW chancellor Rachel Reeves has vowed to end to excessive bank profits with an angry poem. 

Rejecting claims that Labour’s plan was to do exactly what the Tories have done for 14 years but caringly, Reeves promised that when her poem was finished nothing would ever be the same again.

She said: “This time next year we will be living in a new world, a world where everything is fair and everyone is nice. We will be living in the world of my poem.

“In every politician’s career, there comes a time when she is faced with injustice so great that responding with mere legislation is demeaning for everyone concerned. At times such as these I sit at my writing desk, pick up my pen and lets loose the tiger that stands guard over my soul.

“Would you like to hear it?”

Reeves then declaimed: “Fat greedy piggy and his trough full of money. Oink oink, piggy, your nose is all runny,” before pausing, seemingly awaiting applause. 

Keir Starmer stressed the poem was the ‘nuclear option’ after a series of initiatives including writing to the UK’s senior investment bankers and asking them to stop enriching themselves at the expense of everyone else. 

He added: “I have also met several of them in person. They told me to get f**ked, but I could tell from the way they said it that they respected my courage. 

“Thank goodness we now have the poem.”