POLICE hope to lure undercover officer Mark Kennedy back into a police station using a steak on the end of some thread.
Kennedy has gone missing after spending more than two years infiltrating some of the world’s most boring vegetarians in a bid to stop them making a big banner with a colourful bird on it.
But instead of gathering vital intelligence about beans and slightly out of tune guitars, Kennedy found himself agreeing with whatever it is they go on and on and on about.
A Scotland Yard source said: “It got to the point where Mark could read an entire newspaper column by George Monbiot without immediately wanting to frame him for something.”
Kennedy was one of series of undercover officers sent to infiltrate a variety of dangerous groups, including one officer who spent three years wearing some novelty dreadlocks and saying ‘yeah mon’ every 30 seconds and another who posed as an animal rights activist before falling in love with a donkey.
Upon capture Kennedy will be deprogrammed and then reprogrammed using a combination of beef products, some old episodes of The Sweeney and selected readings from Peter Hitchens’ new book about how environmentalism killed the Queen Mother.
The source added: “It’s basically a reverse ‘Clockwork Orange’ where the intention is to turn the patient back into a blindly obedient cretin.
“We’ll know it’s worked when we present him with a Sun crossword and he tries to eat it with his feet.”