Scotland to legalise marriage between a man and his Mars bar

SCOTTISH people will soon be able to marry their favourite high calorie snack.

The Scottish government has unveiled plans to legalise hundreds of new forms of marriage including man to man, woman to woman and man or woman to more than 300 different foods and beverages.

Bill McKay, a fat man from Dundee, said: “Of course she’s chocolatey, that’s a given. But my Christ, you should see her on a warm day. She is so fucking gooey.”

He added: “Some say that after I marry her I must immediately plunge her into a bucket of boiling fat. But those people have never experienced true love.

“I am just a person. Leave me be.”

Jane Thompson, an Edinburgh flunky who has been going out with at least a bottle of Pinot Grigio for five years, said: “Everyone says I should sort my life out but I tell them I don’t need to – because I have a boyfriend.

“He listens to me, he protects me in dark alleys and he is always pleasantly stiff.”

Meanwhile, England remains deeply divided over the issue with Conservative MPs insisting marriage is a sacred bond between two people of the opposite sex who desperately want each other dead.

Tory backbencher Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I would gladly back a bill legalising marriage between a man and an old fashioned telephone box or a man and a laminated card containing the chorus to a Gilbert and Sullivan song.

“As long as the husband and wife do not possess a matching set of groins.”



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Twilight crisis triggers emergency UN meeting

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

Allegations of an affair between Kristen Stewart and a film director have left the world’s political leaders reeling.

UN chief Ban Ki-Moon said: “It’s not just that a love has died, but more like the entire concept of love has been destroyed.

“Obviously our thoughts are with R-Patz but what we need to understand is how it might affect Twilight as a whole, to look at the overall Twilight mythos. Will it make it somehow less good, if they’re not together in real life?”

“We cannot rule out the possibility of direct intervention, whether it’s just taking them out for a drink or even welding their hands together so they physically cannot be parted. To my fellow UN members, I would like to say that obviously we are all Twi-hards here, but we must not let fandom colour our response.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron said: “The important thing is not to panic. The two-part film of the final instalment in the saga, Breaking Dawn, is already in the can.

“But that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be another film if this one does well. I certainly will never tire of Edward and Bella’s tortured supernatural romance, however many they decide to do.”

But German leader Angela Merkel said: “No one even likes Twilight any more, it’s all about Hunger Games now. Hunger Games is better.”

Ban Ki-Moon responded angrily, saying: “No it isn’t. Hunger Games is boring.”