Scotland to legalise marriage between a man and his Mars bar

SCOTTISH people will soon be able to marry their favourite high calorie snack.

Love is a plastic-wrapped oblong

The Scottish government has unveiled plans to legalise hundreds of new forms of marriage including man to man, woman to woman and man or woman to more than 300 different foods and beverages.

Bill McKay, a fat man from Dundee, said: “Of course she’s chocolatey, that’s a given. But my Christ, you should see her on a warm day. She is so fucking gooey.”

He added: “Some say that after I marry her I must immediately plunge her into a bucket of boiling fat. But those people have never experienced true love.

“I am just a person. Leave me be.”

Jane Thompson, an Edinburgh flunky who has been going out with at least a bottle of Pinot Grigio for five years, said: “Everyone says I should sort my life out but I tell them I don’t need to – because I have a boyfriend.

“He listens to me, he protects me in dark alleys and he is always pleasantly stiff.”

Meanwhile, England remains deeply divided over the issue with Conservative MPs insisting marriage is a sacred bond between two people of the opposite sex who desperately want each other dead.

Tory backbencher Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I would gladly back a bill legalising marriage between a man and an old fashioned telephone box or a man and a laminated card containing the chorus to a Gilbert and Sullivan song.

“As long as the husband and wife do not possess a matching set of groins.”