Border staff to deliver world class surliness

INJUNCTION proceedings forcing border staff into work on Thursday will ensure the gruffest possible welcome for Olympic tourists, it has been claimed.

Government intervention to prevent pre-Olympics strike action will create barely-concealed rage among border workers, providing the perfect introduction to London’s volatile streets.

Travelologist Wayne Hayes said: “Every nation’s immigration workers are intensely moody, as befits anyone whose job is to deal with the general public in ‘holiday mode’.

“But this could be a perfect storm of thwarted industrial action that propels Britain’s border guards into the big league of global intimidatingness, even compared to those nations where they carry sub-machine guns. It will be a kind of perverse status symbol for the UK, much like the Olympics themselves.”

Passport checker Emma Bradford said: “If this strike is thwarted, rest assured I will show levels of resentful funk normally reserved for teenage boys forced to visit a museum with their parents on a Bank Holiday weekend.

“People’s ornamental bottles of foreign liqueur will be literally thrown across the terminal.”

Crates of rubber gloves have been ordered by staff at Heathrow and Gatwick as the number of entirely unnecessary cavity searches is expected to skyrocket.

Anybody with a return ticket of less than five days will be told to plan their sightseeing around the airport’s Tie Rack.



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Piracy 'kills creativity of porn industry'

ONLINE piracy is preventing the porn industry making the challenging, creative films it wants to, insiders have claimed.

As O2 users are reprimanded for illegally downloading Ben Dover films, the porn industry has warned that piracy could lead to a drop in the quality of films in which dead-eyed quasi-prostitutes grimly hump like bored lions in a wildlife documentary.

Adult film director Wayne Hayes said: “Piracy means less money to bring your unique artistic vision to life. My latest film, Extreme Anal Violation Orgy, will now feature only moderate anal violation, and more of a small gathering than an orgy.

“Cost-cutting also means porn films will no longer feature the sharp scripts and involving plotlines they’re known for, such as someone going into a house and fucking someone.”

Others warned that piracy would mean the end of big-budget porn parodies like Star Wars XXX, devised for people with the entirely healthy desire to see Princess Leia fellating C3PO.

Porn producer Tom Booker said: “Illegal downloads could kill off mainstream blockbusters like Avengers Assemble, as well as my own homage to the Marvel universe, Assvengers Analised, in which Loki and Iron Man simultaneously violate Black Widow while Thor stands in the background frantically trying to make his ‘magic hammer’ work.”

Porn fan Tom Booker said: “Yes, I illegally downloaded The Female Amb-ass-ador, but I liked it so much I actually bought the other 25 films in the series.

“It feels great to put something back, especially considering how drained I now feel.”