Second lockdown impossible to discern with naked eye

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that it is almost impossible to discern any difference between England before and after lockdown without specialist equipment. 

The lockdown, which has supposedly entered its second week, has seen thousands of people continue to behave exactly as before but with the pubs shut.

Professor Helen Archer said: “Remember the last lockdown when the streets were empty of cars and people, and even when you went for your allotted daily exercise nobody was about? Yeah, not this time.

“Instead everyone’s doing their normal stuff like going to work and school, there’s loads of traffic, shops are packed and nobody seems to have allowed the lockdown to affect their behaviour even slightly.

“You have to closely examine the country using spectroscopes and infra-red cameras to realise that pubs are only serving take-outs and some high street shops have shut.

“We can’t be sure that a lockdown only observable by this level of painstaking analysis will be respected by the coronavirus. But we’re confident it will play fair.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

My morning routine, by a woman who is lying

HOW you start the day has a huge impact on your life. I’m here to tell you, in barely credible terms, how to begin yours in the best, most bullshit way.

I wake up naturally at 5am, which means I see the finest part of the day when lesser humans are still snoring disgustingly. After a quick 60-minute gong meditation, I begin my coffee-making ritual, which involves both dance and stillness.

While the coffee is brewing, I drink a disturbingly green smoothie containing nutrients that are 97 per cent algae-based, which I genuinely enjoy even though it tastes like it has been pumped out of a decrepit septic tank.

I enjoy my coffee while focusing on my long-term financial, spiritual and sexual goals, before chanting affirmations into an ornate Vietnamese mirror. I always do this stark naked to fully appreciate my incredibly buff body.

After my coffee and a phone call with my guru, I perform a 90-minute yoga sequence before taking a long soak in a goat’s milk and turmeric bath.

From there, I air dry while doing tai chi on my roof terrace, overlooking an ocean. All that is left to do after that is a quick trip to my infra-red sauna, to blast out the last toxins, before sitting down for my usual delicious breakfast of egg whites and raw broccoli.

Life is so much easier and more enjoyable when you give yourself the time to really fanny about in the morning. I hope that by sharing my own truly unbelievable routine, I will inspire you to make up your own.