Public school dickhead calls everyone by their surname

A DICKHEAD who went to public school refers to everyone by their surname no matter how much they wish he would stop. 

Tom Logan, who refers to himself exclusively as ‘Logan’, refuses to use anyone’s given name even when told to, repeatedly, by everyone he meets.

He said: “Oi, Hargreaves! Fletcher’s talking a load of cock about this night out in January not happening? Set him bloody straight.

“Yeah, Smithson, Ramsey and me are organising it, soon as the lockdown’s over, and we’ve already invited Galley, Woodhouse and Radcliffe. It’s going to be legendary.”

Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Or John, Colin and Angela, as their friends call them. And as everyone else calls them. Apart from Tom.

“I get that they do it at public school, even shit minor ones like he was at. But he hasn’t been at school for 18 years and everyone out here hates it.”

Logan said: “That Tomlinson moaning again? She’s f**king hilarious. Her first name? Don’t make me say it. It makes me feel weak.”

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Six emails to send at 5pm on Friday for maximum damage

ARE you a workplace twat who wants to ruin people’s weekends? These emails will ensure your colleagues return on Monday stressed and unhappy.

‘Can we talk about this on Monday?’

While not explicitly a threat, the person on the receiving end knows they’re in for a bollocking and will be unable to think about anything else for the next two days.

‘Have you had a chance to look at this yet?’

The old rhetorical question. If they had, you wouldn’t be sending this email, and you know that by the time they churn through it you’ll have knocked off for the weekend anyway. Well played.

‘Could you give this another go over the weekend?’

Christ, you’re blunt. While others might say they want it by Monday – which means the same thing – you really have no guilt about asking your co-worker to give up their time off for a Powerpoint presentation three people will see.

‘We’re going to have to work late’

If you want to make your underlings miserable right now, fire this off. Naturally it should just be a pathetic power trip over something that could be dealt with on Monday, or Tuesday, or two weeks on Thursday.

‘This isn’t what I asked for’

It’s cold, but vague — who knows what you really wanted, and maybe you didn’t know yourself? As they give up their free time it will feel all the more pointless. 

‘Call me, now’

Don’t elaborate and imagine the expression on their face when this comes through to their Outlook just as they’re about to shut down. A beautiful way to round off a hellish work week.