Friday, 4th December 2020

Gove reassures Kent that one portaloo for 200 lorry drivers probably won't affect property prices

MICHAEL Gove has told the people of Kent that the all-pervasive smell of lorry drivers’ excrement will actually be a ‘Brexit bonus’ for the county.

In particular he sought to reassure Brexit voters, who thought they were getting £350 million a week for the NHS, zero immigration and bendy bananas, but are literally getting shit instead.

Gove said: “Our world-beating portaloos may not be able to cope with every call of nature from lorry drivers. And thanks to hearty English breakfasts with their cheap sausages, it’s going to be pretty pungent. 

“But we must focus on the bonuses. For example, the faeces deposited under hedgerows can easily be repurposed, using British enterprise, as fertiliser for our wonderful English roses.

“They say Kent is the ‘garden of England’. Well, this garden will have more than adequate supplies of manure.

“I can assure residents that the county will be as desirable to live in as ever, once you’ve got used to the smell and finding alternative routes round the traffic jams.”

When asked who would retrieve the excrement, Gove said: “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of migrant workers who’ll happily do that sort of thing. Ah. Let me get back to you on that one.”