I superforecasted all this, says Cummings

DOMINIC Cummings has confirmed that he superforecasted everything about the current Downing Street row, including being out on his arse. 

The prime minister’s special adviser, who can predict the future with 98 per cent accuracy simply by extrapolating from current events, says his forthcoming ejection from Downing Street is no surprise to him. 

Cummings said: “As soon as we won the election, as I’d predicted, I sat down and plotted out the next year. Pandemic included. 

“I foresaw, through the power of my superforecasting, the coming of coronavirus. I knew Boris would catch it and that I, like the genius I am, would flee to Durham, get caught and destroy the public’s trust in government. That was all part of the plan. 

“Then I foresaw that Trump would lose, that my masterstroke of breaking international law for Brexit would be quietly dropped, and that Boris’s bird would kick me out in a row over my bald mate Lee. 

“Like Dr Manhattan in Watchmen, I foresaw it all but am powerless to change the future. All must proceed as it must. My arse will hit the bricks exactly on schedule.” 

He added: “Following that, my superforecast reveals I will get several highly-paid consultant gigs then be fired for spending all day googling Inception fan theories.”  

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Five things which used to impress the ladies but now not so much

IMPRESSING women was much easier when gender norms were entrenched and everyone was quite sexist. Here are some strategies blokes can no longer rely on.

Having a car

The man of the past would drive the car while explaining his superb driving skills, fix the car himself, or at least tinker with it, and basically take charge of anything to do with cars. He would never let a lady drive – they felt safe and protected and it avoided them inevitably crashing it.

Giving them an extra £20 for the housekeeping, saying ‘get something nice for yourself’

A common trope in 70s sitcoms, showing both your generosity and openness to letting the woman think for herself. Doesn’t work as well these days, for some reason.

Fighting

A brute show of strength went down well with the lady you were trying to impress, especially if you accused your victim of ‘looking at your bird’. Men thought that anyway. Less popular now due to looking like a nutcase. 

Carrying four drinks back from the bar in one go

This showed you had big hands, say no more, know what I mean?

Correcting her multiple mistakes and wrong ideas

Economics, international relations, how yeast makes bread rise, the different types of clouds – no subject was too complex for a man to clear up for his confused lady-friend. Knowing you knew meant they didn’t have to, and they were grateful. Still considered a good romantic strategy among idiots to this day.