Saturday, 5th December 2020

I superforecasted all this, says Cummings

DOMINIC Cummings has confirmed that he superforecasted everything about the current Downing Street row, including being out on his arse. 

The prime minister’s special adviser, who can predict the future with 98 per cent accuracy simply by extrapolating from current events, says his forthcoming ejection from Downing Street is no surprise to him. 

Cummings said: “As soon as we won the election, as I’d predicted, I sat down and plotted out the next year. Pandemic included. 

“I foresaw, through the power of my superforecasting, the coming of coronavirus. I knew Boris would catch it and that I, like the genius I am, would flee to Durham, get caught and destroy the public’s trust in government. That was all part of the plan. 

“Then I foresaw that Trump would lose, that my masterstroke of breaking international law for Brexit would be quietly dropped, and that Boris’s bird would kick me out in a row over my bald mate Lee. 

“Like Dr Manhattan in Watchmen, I foresaw it all but am powerless to change the future. All must proceed as it must. My arse will hit the bricks exactly on schedule.” 

He added: “Following that, my superforecast reveals I will get several highly-paid consultant gigs then be fired for spending all day googling Inception fan theories.”