How Americans write dates: five other things the US should get rid of

AMERICA – the land of the free, home of the brave, and domain of quite a few idiots. Having finally booted out Donald Trump, here are five other dumb things the US needs to get rid of.

How they write dates

Working up from days to years makes sense, as so does the reverse. Swapping days and months around causes momentary confusion for every other country on the planet and it hasn’t caught on for a reason. Did someone mess up writing the date on the constitution and now they have to live like this forever?

Their healthcare system

Nobody should be bankrupted because they rode an ambulance to A&E – it’s not as if it’s a fun experience you brag about wangling for free. But that’s what happens when you’re deathly afraid of socialism. Weird how they lapped up Trump talking about a free coronavirus vaccine though.

Being in love with guns

We get it, gun nuts like to recite the Second Amendment while jerking off to a Smith & Wesson catalogue. We’ve all got our little quirks. But why not try to phase out guns gradually? Start by not collecting assault rifles like your aunt collects pottery frogs and gradually work down. It’s hard to go on the rampage with an incredibly fiddly Webley air pistol.

An obsession with tipping

Is a living wage too much to ask for, or is that another idea that’s dangerously close to communism? Just sort it, because the alternative, where we nervously hand out dollars to anyone who provides the least bit of assistance, is too stressful for Brits on holiday to handle.

The special relationship

You’re the trophy wife in this dynamic, and it looks like you’re slowly realising you can do better. The last thing you need is a relationship with a declining power run by a blond gibbon who reminds you of your toxic ex. We understand if you want to shack up with France or Germany instead. We had some good times, like WW2, but sometimes you have to move on.

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Cyclists who follow the Highway Code to be punished

THE government is launching a crackdown on the minority of cyclists who bother to follow the Highway Code.

Police will be able to hand out harsher penalties amid fears that the reputation of cyclists is being ruined by the small number who insist on stopping at traffic lights and wearing a helmet.

A spokesperson said: “The lockdown saw an encouraging increase in cyclists riding on the pavement while using their phone. But there are still too many who think it is acceptable to use their bell to alert pedestrians to their presence.

“We need to clamp down on these rogue riders now, which is why we are giving police officers more powers – such as the use of spike strips in bicycle lanes.

“We’re also introducing new punishments for those who insist on abiding by the rules, including being forced to watch old episodes of Top Gear on repeat.

“These moves should help motorists, who will now know for certain that the cyclist they’re following won’t be bothering to stop for the red light up ahead.”

Cyclist Tom Logan said: “It’s not fair to tar all cyclists with the same brush. I weave in and out of traffic like a lunatic and I’m always careful not to use lights when I’m cycling at night.”