Man holds out for five seconds before talking over girlfriend

A MAN gave his girlfriend every opportunity to express herself coherently at a dinner party before reluctantly speaking on her behalf.

Martin Bishop looked on for a full five seconds as his girlfriend Nikki Hollis expressed her thoughts, before saying “Well…” and putting forward his own, better opinion.

Bishop said: “I could see that Nikki was struggling. Someone had asked her a question about the American election. 

“I’m on furlough so I’m on the internet all day, keeping tabs on the latest developments. She works as a nurse 10 hours a day so she’s not really in touch with the real world.”

Hollis said: “Actually I was about to say -”

However Bishop interjected: “I didn’t want Nikki to come across as vacuous. As a feminist, I believe women should speak out loud and strong, but if words desert them I’m only too willing to come to the rescue.”

Hollis said: “I was just about to -“

At this point Bishop luckily finished Hollis’ inane thoughts for her: “So I spoke up for her. I hope that through using my voice I gave her a voice. You’re welcome, sweetie. Any time.”

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How to make everyone hate you, by Extinction Rebellion

DO you have an important point to make but want to get it across in a way that makes everyone think you’re an absolute wanker? Follow these tips.

Be completely tone deaf about important events

Making a statement is important, so do something you know will piss off a massive amount of people, like messing about with Remembrance events. You’ll make people who might have been sympathetic hate your cause, but it’s worth it to feel super-edgy.

Include something annoying like circus skills

To add an extra element of annoyance to the bridge you’ve closed in the middle of a busy day, get some jugglers and clowns involved. Nothing gives people trying to get to the office less joy than seeing some hippies attempting circus skills.

Make ordinary people’s lives incredibly inconvenient

We’ve figured out that the best way to make the public detest us is to increase the amount of hassle in their already-stressful lives. We want people to use public transport, so we glue ourselves to trains so they can’t get to work. Makes perfect sense, right?

Be pretentious and po-faced

Even if your cause is very serious, you can win sympathy by having a sense of humour about it. So don’t and instead send your ‘performance artivist troupe’ out in disturbing masks and costumes to terrify people trying to have a nice time at the beach.

Enjoy how f**king annoying you are

‘Yes, that’s the point’ we reply when people tell us we’re annoying. And then when this makes people angrier, we enjoy it even more. Looking like you’re having a whale of a time pissing people off really gets the environmental message across.