Saturday, 5th December 2020

Carrie Symonds announces cabinet reshuffle

CARRIE Symonds, in her capacity as prime minister’s consort, has announced a full cabinet reshuffle. 

Symonds, who holds the role because she was the one Boris Johnson was impregnating when the music stopped, fired director of communications Lee Cain yesterday and intends to clear out more dead wood today.

She said: “Dominic Raab goes. He once came in when I was breastfeeding, and I can’t forget the look on his face.

“Michael Gove we’ll shift to somewhere else unimportant – maybe environment? – just to keep him tantalisingly orbiting power. 

“Hancock stays, in advance of next year’s trial and public execution, but I’m just one more unmarried mother to Priti Patel so she’s getting Northern Ireland. That should be fun, what with all these interesting customs arrangements. 

“And Rishi’s going nowhere. We all love Rishi. He’s actually got money, unlike that broke-ass bitch I’ve ended up shackled to.” 

She added: “Dom? I can’t take Dom away from him. Dom’s all he’s got.”